Monday, July 16, 2007

Bon Appétit, Volume 4

AG insists that zombies eat babies. Perhaps they do on the Upper West Side, out on the terrace, with a nice, not-too-oaky Chardonnay and some "French" bread, while they're discussing how much they hate America.

Out here in the real world, though, our zombies still like a hearty meal of good old-fashioned brains and I'm posting some of my favorite recipes to prove it. Whether you're planning a romantic Love at First Bite or a full-fledged Monster Mash, you can't go wrong with these proven winners.

1. Ghoulash

Unearth and pluck five large cadavers. Plunge into one bathtub of boiling oil for an hour. Rinse under cold water until cool to the touch, then coarsely chop. Combine in large stainless steel pot with six potatoes, the juice of three robins, a candied newt, and a handful of thorns. Heat through and serve over gristle. Serves 2.

2. Brain Salad

Select three ripe brains with cerebral cortex removed (ask your butcher to do this for you). With a sharp paring knife, make twelve and one-half incisions in each brain. Insert one bulb of garlic in each incision (yams may be substituted if guests are allergic to garlic). Place brains under medium heat lamp for eight minutes, turning regularly. When brains are tan, scoop into decorative molds and refrigerate until set. Garnish with floss just before serving. Serves 30.

3. Frankenfurter

Give life to one inanimate collection of body parts, basting regularly with a mixture of two pinches of chewing tobacco and the drippings from a roasted D cell battery. Place on pitchfork over open fire until internal temperature has reached 350 degrees, being careful not to disturb. When chest cavity is fluffy and golden brown, remove from heat and serve immediately, surrounded by a variety of diced melons. Serves 53.

4. Death By Chocolate

Prepare one boxed chocolate cake according to instructions on package. Add poison. Feed to enemies. Serves too few.

5. Witches Brew

Capture and gut one dozen small mammals, preserving internal fluids. Soak carcasses in two liters of heavily salted Dr. Pepper until film develops on surface. Remove pelts from brine and knit into a hat. Wear hat on national holidays. In the meantime, bring body fluids to room temperature in a porcelain vase. Stir in one pound of horseradish, two cod, and a tablespoon Crest Pro-Health Clean Cinnamon Toothpaste. Pour over black ice and enjoy. Serves 5.


Adorable Girlfriend said...

Dr. Pepper? That's like 3Fools--does it even still exist and if so, does anyone care?!!

They eat Babies with a side of brie and a fine glass of pinot noir.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

sorry 'dorable. What zombie could resist such a fine repast as Snaggie has described? A pile of babies just pales in comparison.

If you care enough to make a fine meal, you will FIND the Dr. Pepper. It makes the dish.

Anonymous said...

I love Dr. Pepper.

Snag said...

For those living in the hinterlands (i.e., Delaware) and therefore without access to Dr. Pepper, a reasonable substitute can be made by adding two tablespoons of pepper to a puree of neurologist.

Anonymous said...

Best part: "ask your butcher to do this for you."

Brando said...

Dingoes and Republican Vice Presidents eat babies. Zombies eat brains.

Was this an episode from Hell's Kitchen?

Anonymous said...

I loved Dr. Pepper! Snag, if one is traveling in the south, may one substitute Mr. Pibb?

Anonymous said...

First of all, Canuck Dry flavors meat so much better than Dr. Pepper. Mandos and other Canucks better back AG up here.

Second of all, this is all for kids. You want to serve stuff to enemies. You make some interesting wine ala arsenic in the lab. Get funky with it for say, St. Patricks Day. Color it green. Have the frenemies over and serve them some nice brains and cabbage followed by a side of baby and that lovely wine.

If that does make them go McPatty O'Shea, I don't know what will.

Third of all, AG doesn't roll this way. AG is an Italian. AG calls up Uncle Tiny, ya know, the guy who is neither tiny or related to AG and tells him who is on her list. UT takes it from there because princesses don't do their own dirtee work. We look in the yellow pages for goombas for that.

UT spares no small gesture when he has the bitches whacked. Think roses and blood stained whirlpools. Drops those bodies off somewhere around Newburgh, NY in a cornfield or K-Mart dumpster and calls it a day after he comes over to AG's parents for some spaghetti and veenooh.

If he's super awesome, he picks up his trashy beeotch Kathie on the way home and lets her diddle him for dessert.

P.S. Hi NSA!!!!

Kathleen said...

it's like the food pyramid, for zombies.