Saturday, July 7, 2007

Do What You Love

Like many Friends of Befouled, I am constantly on the lookout for new career opportunities. It's too easy to just read through U.S. News and World Report's annual article about possible careers. Accountant, lawyer, phlebotomist - anyone can put together a list like that. If you really want to get a handle on your future, you need to dig beneath the surface. That's what I've done for you.

Allow me to present Snag's Hot Jobs of 2007.

1. Gnu-Control Expert

The proliferation of gnus in America, particularly in metropolitan areas, has led to a huge array of problems; fatherless children, overburdened police, shuttered businesses. The expansion of concealed carry laws is only contributing to this, leaving traditional methods of detection and prevention useless against those who would bring gnus into our schools and houses of worship.

As a gnu-control expert, you'll be on the front lines, developing and implementing creative strategies to reduce the spread of illegal gnus. Our nation's cowboy ethos may never allow the type of restrictive gnu laws found in most other Western countries, but there is still good money to be made finding constitutionally sound strategies to fight back against those who proclaim, “You can have my gnu when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.” Mandatory employee assistance programs are one of the many perks to be had in this rewarding field.

2. Moose Inseminator

Contrary to what many people believe, moose do not asexually reproduce. Increasing fuel costs have impinged on the traditional courtship rituals of this magnificent beast, however, making it more difficult for all but the richest to make the trips necessary to woo the cows of their dreams. In addition, certain radical feminists have begun to question the need for bulls in the first place given recent advances in reproductive technology.

This is where a moose inseminator comes in. Much like a bee, your job is to transfer the bull’s “pollen” to the cow’s “pistil.” This requires steady hands, a soothing demeanor, and a willingness to wear heavy protective clothing. While challenging and not particularly financially rewarding, this career provides the satisfaction of showing your own children a calf in the woods and telling them, “I made that.”

3. Plaque Disposal Technician

As dental insurance becomes more common, it is accompanied by the need to find ways to dispose of the plaque that is scraped off millions of teeth every day. In the past, it was typically sold as mulch or burned in the incinerators most dentists used to heat their offices. With environmental regulations no longer permitting these means of disposal, plaque disposal technicians play an important role in America’s number one industry, the fast-moving world of dentistry.

You will undergo a rigorous three-week online study course before obtaining your certification. Once properly trained, you may go to work for one of the many Fortune 500 plaque disposal companies. Advanced degrees in plaque disposal are also offered by many larger universities for those who are interested in moving into research or academic positions. Whatever you choose, you’ll be in demand, reflected in salary packages that often approach four figures.

4. Puck Tester

Hockey is the hobby of the future, but it can’t happen without an adequate supply of pucks. As the sport of kings, hockey equipment was once confined to those lucky enough to be descended from one of the great Canadian royal families. Now that these restrictions have been lifted, manufacturers find themselves unable to fill the necessary positions in their research laboratories.

You could be the person to step into this void. Density, consistency, and flavor are the watchwords of the world’s great puck testers and it is only after a grueling apprenticeship that you’ll be permitted to sign off on these universally revered icons. In the meantime, you’ll spend your days shadowing one of the masters and your nights watching tapes of Don Rickles and studying the mysteries of vulcanization. The educational process is capped off with a field trip to one of the great rubber plantations of southern Iowa. Compensation packages typically include reduced-cost bowel reconstruction surgery after five years of employment.

5. Meat Sculptor

Weddings have long been the place to find elaborate ice sculptures and cakes. Those on the cutting edge are no longer satisfied with these pedestrian accessories, however, and are now looking for new and creative ways to express their love on this special day.

Sculptors have begun to recognize this and are turning their attention to the wonders of meat. Whether it is a centerpiece depicting the happy couple in top quality veal or a more affordable collection of offal place cards, meat sculptors commemorate one of the most significant days in any person’s life. Unlimited scraps are just one of the fringe benefits of this prestigious job.


Anonymous said...

I think #1 falls under the constitutional right to bear rams.

These posts are my favorites, Snag, but then you already know that.

I'll have nightmares about the abundance of discarded plaque...

Snag said...

. . .the constitutional right to bear rams.

God, I wish I'd said that.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

As long as no one's talking about ramming bears.

I'm sorry I said that.

fish said...

Artists in meat abound. My favorite quote?

"Good art must stink a bit"

fish said...

No wait! I missed this one:

"Fat in the ham provides a 'marbled effect'"

Anonymous said...

Pretty soon people will be wanting marbled ham faux finishes on their walls!

Brando said...

We could use the plaque to build the border wall between Mexico and the US. It won't be very strong, but it should gross out people enough to keep them from sneaking over the border.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

You forgot a few gems:

Postdoctoral scientist
New Jersy hazard waste removal company receptionist
Janitor of the local Shell station bathroom
Manager of the morgue at the local hospital
Tinsel maker

There are sooo many!

Thanks for the linky love