Monday, September 26, 2011


"What are you doing?" the Lovely Bride asked suspiciously.

"Looking at recipes," I replied.

"Let me be more specific," she said. "What are you doing looking at recipes that call for three large squirrels?"

"Brunswick stew, baby. You'll love it."

"You're not really going to use squirrels, are you?"

"I wish," I said. "None of the groceries around here carry them. I checked."

"Thank God," she said.

"Of course, we do have that air rifle...." I mused.

"I'll help!" my youngest shouted from downstairs.

"You're not cooking with squirrels and you're not killing them in our backyard."

"Commie vegan," I muttered.

"A vegan lifestyle would be good for you," she said.

"That's crazy talk," I said.

"Your doctor told you two days ago your cholesterol was higher than it should be."

"He also refused to prescribe bourbon for me. He's clearly incompetent."

"Please tell me you didn't ask him for a prescription for alcohol," she said.

"He thought it was funny," I said.

"Don't you realize that stuff is going to end up in your medical records if you're not careful?"

"Good," I said. "It'll cover up the copy he made of the note you forced me to bring."

"You were the one who refused to let me come to your appointment with you," she said.

"I'm not six, for God's sake. I can go to a doctor appointment by myself."

"Then why did you forget to ask him about a referral to an allergist?"

"I got distracted. We were talking about other stuff."

"Like what?"

"Grouse hunting. And health care reform. And whether it's okay to threaten to hit your kids if you don't actually do it."

"What a helpful way to spend your annual check up," she said. "That's why I gave you a note with a list of things to ask him."

"Fine," I said. "But it was really embarrassing when I told him I needed his signature."

"If I hadn't required his signature, would you have shown it to him?"

"That's not the point," I said.

"What is your point?" she asked.

"I don't remember. You clouded my mind with your juju."

"How can you tell?" she smirked.

"Give me some sugar," I said and smooched her.

"What is wrong with you?" she giggled.

"You knew I was squirrelly when you married me," I said.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Telephone Game

The youngest found me upstairs, where I was literally and figuratively immersed in cleaning the toilet.

"Dad, my brother's calling from Miami."

"Tell him I'll call him back in a few minutes," I said.

After washing up, I returned the call. My oldest answered.

"Talking to me is a privilege," he said. "If you don't want to lose it, you need to start answering your phone."

"I was cleaning the toilet, for God's sake."

"Get one of my brothers to do it," he said. We both got a good laugh out of that one.

"How's college so far?" I asked.

"Great. I went to South Beach with some friends last weekend. Next weekend's the first home game, against The Ohio State University." He emphasized The with the disdain my kids have used since they first decided they hated that school, for reasons they either can't articulate or I can't understand without putting a lot more energy into the discussion than it warrants.

"I can see why you'd enjoy that," I said. "How about the part of it we're paying for?"

"The classes are interesting," he said. "We just started our biology lab."

"Do you get to dissect something?"

"Not yet."

"You should dissect something anyways. It's good practice. I'll send you a cat."

"If you're going to be stupid, I'm going to hang up," he said.

"How's the philosophy class?" I asked.

"You were right about one thing," he said. "Ayn Rand's a nut."

"Glad you agree," I said. "You must have a good professor."

"It wasn't hard to figure that out," he said.

"You'd be surprised," I said. "Hey, you know what's particularly idiotic about her essay 'Apollo and Dionysus?'"

"No, and I don't care. How's Lucy?"

"She's fine. We play Crazy Dog most nights. She runs up and down the stairs as fast as she can for five minutes while I sing the Crazy Dog song."

"I bet mom loves that," he said.

"That's what makes it so much fun," I said.

"How's Grandma?" he asked.

"She was over here last week reminding us to take her gold fillings before we have her cremated," I said. "I told her when she died we were going to have her stuffed and use her as a hat rack."

"Did she get mad at you?"

"She was already mad because I told your brothers I used to come home from school and find her passed out on the couch in front of the soap operas, clutching a jelly jar full of gin."

"What did she say?"

"She said it's too bad you're in Miami because I need more good influences."

"That's true," he mused.

"I guess we'll have to save that until you come home," I said.

"That won't be until December," he reminded me.

I know, I thought.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

Planes, Trains & Automobiles - Old School

All this travel's been a bit much and there's more coming up. Thank God for traveling music.

Be Bop Deluxe - Jets at Dawn

Peter, Paul & Mary - Leaving on a Jet Plane

Arlo Guthrie - Coming Into Los Angeles

Nanci Griffith - Outbound Plane

Elton John - Rocket Man

Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues

Grateful Dead - I Know You Rider

The Highwaymen - City of New Orleans

The Waterboys - Fisherman's Blues

Gladys Knight & The Pips - Midnight Train to Georgia

Golden Earring - Radar Love

War - Low Rider

Bruce Springsteen - Racing in the Streets

Prince - Little Red Corvette

The Beach Boys - Don't Worry Baby

And one about ships for good measure:

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Wooden Ships

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Where In The World Is Snag - September 7, 2011

Where am I?

A. Solitary Confinement

B. This year in Jerusalem

C. Atlantis

D. Right back where we started from

E. _____?