Monday, May 21, 2007

Glory Days

Evenings around the Snag household are usually pretty quiet. I get home from work, blow a fuse because the house is a pigsty, and threaten to sell the kids to an Asian family where they'll learn the meaning of real work. We go to some godforsaken field to play some Chaplinesque version of one of the the sports to which I tithe.

On the way back, the kids demand ice cream - "I scream, you scream, shut the goddamn hell up before I pull this car over!" We get back home and my oldest tells me that my fantasy baseball team sucks and I'm stupid. The boys go to bed, I watch The Daily Show, make myself a drink, and cry myself to sleep.

Mornings, however, are another story. I do not like mornings. I do not like them at all. Everybody understands it's best to just leave me be until I've finished a cup of coffee and the metro section of the paper.

Thank God my two oldest are long gone by the time I get up. By the time I'm moving around they're in class or smoking dope or doing whatever kids do nowadays. My youngest is still home, though, and full of love for dear old dad.

This morning was typical. I get up and slink downstairs in my bathrobe. My Lovely Bride's been up for hours and rolls her eyes behind my back; she thinks I don't know. I do.

The kid's reading the sports section. "How's our team doing?" I ask.


"It's not like when I played," I say.

He looks at me. "What?"

"You know, when I was in the All Star Game. In '83."

He puts his head down. "Shut up."

"No, really," I tell him. "You've seen the video, remember?"

"Oh my God." His head's completely on the table now.

"You can just call me dad," I say, a joke that gets better with each retelling. "But I was."


"Really, look it up. I was out there with Yaz and Carew."

He gets up from the table and goes upstairs. I follow him. So does our dog, Katie.

"Careful buddy. Katie has rabies. It looks like she's attacking you."

He's face down on the couch now with a pillow over his head.

"Anyway, it was a good game. Don't tell all your friends, though, because then we'll get swarmed with autograph seekers. You should just let your teacher know and she can figure out how to announce it. Maybe I'll come for show and tell next week."

He's rocking now, that vacant stare one sees on recently returned combat veterans. Muttering "Shut up, shut up, shut up." Meanwhile my Lovely Bride is lying on the other couch sadly gazing at nothing.

I give him a hug. "It can be tough finding out that your dad was a superstar. Don't worry, I love you just as much as always."

I head for the shower. Katie's in the hallway chewing on a bone we bought for her at the grocery. "Looks like she got one of your brothers. I'd be careful until we can get animal control in here."

He sighs and picks himself up from the couch. Gets his backpack and his shoes. My Lovely Bride sighs also and joins him. They exchange glances and walk out the door. The house is quiet, and while tonight will come all too soon, for the time being, it's mine.


Anonymous said...

What do you mean it's all yours? What about Katie???

Snag said...

Katie's in the oven.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Ownership is illusion, Snag.

While you beleive the house is yours, the house, in actuality, owns you.

However, it's never to early to teach the spawn that Reality is mutable, and history is written by the Eldest.

Anonymous said...

Katie's in the oven.

You should really see a person with an M.D. after his/her name and a psychotherapist in front.

Snag said...

Billy, all I really claim to own is my pain.

AG, why are you so Eurocentric?

fish said...

Dr. Mrs. Fish taught the fry to say "Dad, you are taking it too far" whenever I push the jokes, um, too far. Man that really pisses me off.

Baked fish for dinner...

Anonymous said...

"Katie's in the oven."

Master Snag, you're going to Hell!

Anonymous said...

That is what happens when Fish is married to the career person that Snag needs to be seeing.

Katie will bit you in teh arse for this. You mark my words.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...




Anonymous said...

You are the dad from Calvin and Hobbes, times 20. I only read you a couple times a week, mostly to save up the goodness and concentrate the juices.

Yes, katie will bite snag, but from the inside, where the digested teeth will probably go to the appendix or something to dissolve.

Chuckles said...

"Remember kids, the asparagus tips are poisoned and you need to be twelve years old or more than 100 pounds before you can survive eating them."

I thought I would share the lie that my older brothers told me when I was 5 and my parents did not refute. I was telling this one and believing it was true when I was 19.