Monday, May 14, 2007

Easy Money

Having grown increasingly disenchanted with modern society, I've decided what I need is a get-rich-quick scheme that will allow me to completely withdraw from personal interaction. I'm currently mulling over the following possibilities. Care to join me?*

1. Powerpuff Possums

A closely knit band of marsupial cartoon superheroes, the Triple Ps fight a vast network of arboreal villains. A television show, movie, and Andrew Lloyd Webber musical are in the writing stages. The brand will be extended to include kid-friendly foods such as Li'l Possum Snackcakes, Possum Brand Breakfast Sausages, and the Outback Steakhouse Possum Blossom. Promotional tie-ins with Bowie Knives, LLC are also planned - "There's more than one way to skin a possum - see them all at your local Bowie retailer."

2. The Expurgator

The equivalent of a V-Chip for the written word, installing this simple device in your child's Broca area will eliminate the need for attending school board meetings and burning books. Easily operated even by those parents unable to work a TiVo, the Expurgator censors out offending language, ranging from the racial slurs of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to the Catcher in the Rye's challenges to authority. Can be programmed to work with any universal remote.

3. The Catastrophe
. .


This trademarked punctuation mark will be rolled out to cat lovers after market testing is complete. Originally designed by German engineers for automotive use, the catastrophe perfectly replicates a typical domestic feline, down to its DNA. It should be especially popular with readers of Lilian Jackson Braun's "Cat Who. . . ." series as well as members of the Wichita-based Kit Kat Klub chain of wife-swapping venues.
Whoa baby, Snaggy needs a new pair of shoes!

*Past performance is not a guide to future performance. The value of the investment can go down as well as up and can't be guaranteed. You may get back less than you invested.


Anonymous said...

I had to stop reading after possum sausages... (brap).

Righteous Bubba said...

the Expurgator censors out offending language

It'd be awfully amusing to obliterate "hungry" and "thirsty".

Kathleen said...

Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock?

fish said...

Where do you buy the tool used to generate the possum blossum?

Sad thing is, in graduate school, one of the projects I had involved making baby rat blossums...