Thursday, May 31, 2007

If We Can Land A Man On The Moon

There's been a lot of talk in recent years about the decline of the American entrepreneurial spirit. I don't buy that. Any nation that can build a Buick can rule the world.

The problem is these damn kids nowadays are thinking too small. Here are some of the things I hope they're engineering with my tax dollars.

1. Methane Powered Cats

There are a lot of cats in the world today, more than 8 trillion by one count (mine). Each cat consumes food, which takes fuel to grow. Our current energy crisis can therefore be directly attributed to cats. If cats could instead be bred to live off methane, and then attached to cow anuses, much like lampreys on trout, there would be more than enough oil to go around. We could then withdraw from Iraq, allowing it to continue to flourish as a paradise on earth.

2. Disposable Souls

We have made great progress in our noble quest to throw everything away. We have disposable napkins, disposable diapers, even disposable countries (see Iraq, above). What we don't have are disposable souls.

Let's say you commit a mortal sin. Sure, you can fast, go to confession, do whatever your religion demands in order to save your soul. What a pain in the neck. What if instead you could simply toss your soiled old eternity in a Soul Genie and slap in a brand spanking new one? In your face, Father O'Leary! To say nothing of the dramatic reduction in awkward Sunday morning conversations.

3. Rechargeable Snacks

Who doesn't like a handful of AAA batteries after lunch? As we all know, however, once they've been through the old digestive tract, they're not good for much else. Batteries run on acid - why can't they be designed so stomach acids recharge them? Eat and play - the motto of the future.

4. Portable Stadiums

Professional sports teams are constantly threatening to move unless they get new stadiums. Let's cut out the bureaucracy and invent stadiums they can bring with them. Everybody wins but the architects, and they're a sneaky bunch under the best of circumstances.

5. Inflatable Pork

There's nothing worse than looking forward to a fine meal of pork, only to sit down to a clearly inadequate portion. While some of us (me) would use this as an excuse to pocket our host's silverware and sneak out the back door, that's not a viable option for everyone. In that case, just hook up a bicycle pump to your bacon and you're in business.

So come on MIT and all you other sciency schools. Let's get inventing!


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Snag, portable stadiums are a brilliant idea!

And just to prove how sneaky architects are, I'm going to make sure we aren't the ones to lose out on this dealio.

I've filed for a patent for "Mobile Sports Arena and Audience Repository, using Advanced Cash Extraction Technology and Community Revenue Input Enhancements" to ensure that I am the only one able to provide the necessary design services.

Which will not come cheap, let me tell you.

And when I'm rich and Republican, I'm going to hunt you down and give you a tenner for giving me the idea.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the disposable souls, however, reincarnation may have beaten you to the punch. You have the same idea, yours is just faster.

fish said...

How about pork you can grow in a dish?