Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Bon Appétit, Volume 3

As a renowned gourmand, I know that a good meal isn't great without dessert. Over the years I've developed some favorites.

1. Buzzard Blizzard

Finely chop one fresh buzzard. Freeze until solid. Combine with 3 cups vanilla ice cream (substitute Blue Moon if Jennifer is joining you), 1/4 cup milk, and 1 teaspoon of your favorite fish oil. Blend for 47 seconds. Divide into 25 shot glasses. Shout "l'chaim" before guzzling. Throw glasses in neighbor's fireplace when done.

Serves 1.

2. Møøse Mousse

Heat 1 gallon Captain Morgan rum in a pail. Whisk together 3 turnips, 2 tsps. sugar, and a pinch of salt in a metal bowl until combined well, then fling into rum pail. Transfer mixture to microwave and cook on high for 3 seconds, stirring constantly, until walls of microwave are evenly coated. Scrape through a fine-mesh sieve into a flagon.

Melt one large Norwegian møøse in a double boiler or a metal bowl set over a pan of simmering water while glaring at a small child. Whisk møøse into rum mixture until chunks have dissolved. Set aside to cool until baseball season ends.

Meanwhile, beat a rented mule until it holds stiff peaks. After final pitch of World Series, fold mule in half gently but thoroughly. Combine with møøse, spoon into stemmed glasses and coat with lye. Chill at least 6 hours. Bring to boil before serving,

Serves 1 Norwegian.

3. Brandied Dandy

Grease cakepan and roast one tender and cleaned 17th-century fop* for 2 hours at 66 degrees. Set aside to cool.

Cut down cherry tree. Dispose of cherries and use wood to build large fire. Over fire, boil 1.75 liters brandy until fully evaporated. Extinguish fire, being careful to stamp out any remaining embers.

Take remaining brandy from liquor cabinet and pour over fop. Drizzle with hot fudge and Slovakian-made crème fraîche. Slice and garnish with milkweed.

Serves Roger.

* Available at most Micronesian supermarkets.


Anonymous said...

I love Møøse Mousse although it does become a tad redundant after awhile.

One note- when melting your Møøse, be sure not to stir too much during the melting process of it will become dry and flaky. While flaky may be good for Møøse Muffins, it is death for the Møøse Mousse.

Thanks for Blue Moon Buzzard Blizzard. :)

Anonymous said...

Shout "l'chaim"

Oh no, Partner! That is the language of AG's people. Not yours. You can say your "chin, chin" or whatever is you say, but no AG language.

No sir!

Brando said...

It's hard to find fresh fop these days.

Snag said...

What does AG know? I live in a Hasidic trailer park.

Righteous Bubba said...

As a result of reading these recipes my body has produced various excrescences which I will ship to you for use in the next installment.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

You might live in a TP, but it ain't no Hasidic one.

Anonymous said...

You might live in a TP, but it ain't no Hasidic one.

Psshh, after 5000 years, it's surely in the public domain.

Mr. Middlebrow said...

A møøse once bit my sister.

Snag said...

Those moose can be vicious bastards, especially when they haven't been neutered.

Anonymous said...

Snag, with these delicious recipes, I'm quite sure you may win the Bake-off next year. I'm sure you've got some holiday ones laying around. Plus, you might have an extra *in* with The Queen Judge.

I'm not sayin' she'll play favorites. Nope. Not sayin' that.