Saturday, April 14, 2007

Let's Play Two!

There have been some great ballplayers over the last 100 years. Who are the top 5? Here are my picks:

1. Ding-Dong Wankenfuss.

Part of the famous Tinkers-Evers-Wankenfuss double play combination, Ding-Dong earned his name the hard way, by getting hit in the head. A tragic 8th-inning bowel obstruction cut short his career. Little League parks throughout mid-Central Oklahoma are still named for this fan favorite.

2. Wild Willie Taser.

The namesake of crowd control devices the world over, Wild Willie was both a renowned pitcher and a mass murderer. Pitching in the days before batting helmets, he enjoyed carving the names of his victims into his belt, an artifact which even today is preserved in a special locked room at the Baseball Hall of Fame.

3. Francine McDillermot.

Both a suffragette and an ace reliever, "Pantaloons" McDillermot has been memorialized on the 27,000 rupee coin currently in circulation in the Hindu Kush mountains. McDillermot disappeared during a barnstorming tour of Alabama shortly after declaring free agency.

4. Deembob Registrar

A fierce competitor and the first extraterrestrial to play the game professionally, Registrar had perhaps the best forkball of all time. Although he collected 200 wins in an 11-year career with the Yankees, he was sold for dog food by George Steinbrenner after a dismal 3-15 season.

5. Ernie the Eelpout

Famous for his trademark phrase, "Hey, is that a dogfish in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Ernie is now doing play-by-play for the Lincoln Lampreys of the Invasive League. Ernie set major league records in stolen bases and hot dogs consumed.


Anonymous said...

I thought Ernie played for the Snigglers.

Snag said...

Late in his career he got traded to the Snigglers, but his shame over this was so great I hated to mention it.

Righteous Bubba said...

You seem to have something against every ball player not in the top five. This negativity is unflattering.