Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Family Time

"Fight the power!"

"Shut up or I'll kill you too," I told my middle son. He was encouraging his younger brother, who'd just kicked me under the table before running out of the room.

"Stick it to the man," the middle kid reiterated. The youngest giggled.

"They're so dumb," said my oldest.

"I know," I said.

"You're not any better," he told me.

The Lovely Bride closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This is what passes for dinner conversation in our house.

"What does that mean?" I asked the oldest.

"You encourage them," he replied.


"With your stupid songs."

"You mean the Lucy Song?"

"Don't start," he snarled.

"She's an evil puppy, an evil hound, she'd be better off dead or at the pound," I sang to the tune of "It's a Small World." Lucy responded by grabbing my arm with her mouth. She doesn't bite, she just sucks on it.

"The worst dog ever," I mused. "She makes Marley look like Lassie."

"You deserved to get kicked," said the oldest.

The youngest whooped his approval from the kitchen. Lucy released my arm and charged after him. One of them barked a few times.

"I wish we could have more family dinners," I said.

The Lovely Bride shuddered and poured herself another glass of wine.

"When I leave for college, I'm never coming back," said the oldest.

"That's what I said when I was your age," I told him.

"No, Grandma said she didn't want you back," he said.

"He's right," the Lovely Bride reminded me.

Lucy charged back into the room and lunged at the food on my plate. When I blocked her, she began circling the table, looking for another angle.

"When you go to college you have to bring this horrible dog with you," I told my oldest.

"I will," he said.

"And your brothers," I added.

"You're being stupid again," he said.

"Will you take your father?" the Lovely Bride asked him.

"No. Sorry, mom," he said.

"We're the best family ever!" I said proudly.

"Except for you," said the middle kid.

"I love you son," I told him.

"I love you too, daddy," he said in his best imitation of a four year old.

"Will you take me with you to college?" the Lovely Bride asked my oldest.

"Sure," he said.

"The best family ever," I repeated.


Jennifer said...

Apparently the anniversary is over... :)

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

One of them barked a few times.

That was sublime.

When your family goes to college, I promise to move in and we can live in alcohol soaked numbness until Sweet Lethe claims us....

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

you can take that as a threat, if you'd like.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

you can take that as a threat, if you'd like.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I'll say it again if I have to.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I think the zombie is making a threat. But you have to lean real close to make out the words.

P.S. "When I leave for college, I'm never coming back," said the oldest.

That's sort of what I did. I did come home to visit, but small doses were/are best.

Vonnie said...

I love this!!! Reminds me of my family dinners!! Just add the part where either my sister or I threatened to have Mom deported if she didn't behave.

Snag said...

I don't see anything threatening about a promise of drinking with me.

Deportation? I bet I can convince the boys I can have them deported. Worth a shot. Thanks for the parenting tip, Von!

fish said...

Fight the power. Awesome. REVOLUTION COMRADES!!!

Brando said...

I assume you and the Lovely Bride celebrated the Bile Anniversary on Tuesday?

Jennifer said...

I thought you wrote the Bible Anniversary and I thought... yes, that is just so Snag!

Although... Bible Anniversary or not, I'm assuming you know the Lovely Bride in a Biblical way. Nudge, nudge... wink, wink, know what I mean?!?! :)

Snag said...

Happy Anniversay, sweetheart. Do you go?