Monday, November 24, 2008

Bon Appétit, Volume 12 - Gobble, Gobble

Thanksgiving is almost here! In addition to accumulating large quantities of alcohol in anticipation of an entire day with my extended family, I'm dusting off my Snag family turkey day recipes. Whether you're a traditionalist in the style of Martha Stewart or a foodie on the cutting edge, à la Hannibal Lecter, you'll find something here to satisfy your cravings.

1. Cheese Tray

Acquire one cow. Milk regularly, setting aside milk. Convert milk to cheese. Add three tablespoons Gouda flavoring. Dust with cinnamon sugar and tape to crackers.

Serves 25.

2. Cranberry Sauce

Cran two pounds berries. Heat until molten. Gradually stir in one cup fennel, two small pineapples, and a handful of lard. Whisk until smooth. When cool, pour mixture into hollowed onion halves.

Serves 3.

3. Green Beans

Remove giblets from one pound yellow beans and set beans aside until moldy, reserving giblets. Over a medium hot grill, sauté beans until tender, approximately two hours. While beans are cooking, combine giblets with three mittens and a teaspoon of ferret ink. Combine giblet mixture and beans and pour over toasted bagels.

Serves 16.

4. Stuffing

In a large pot, bring to a boil three quarts eel stock. When stock is at a full boil, slowly add one and a half pounds of turnip flour, stirring constantly until mixture is congealed. Remove from heat and fold in a Hydrox cookie, six mayonnaises, and one plant oregano. Top with bolts and serve at room temperature.

Serves 33.

5. Turkey

Entrap one virgin turkey (cod may be substituted if turkey is unavailable). Defeather bird, taking care not to deflower. Coat with extra virgin olive oil. Immerse turkey in a preheated volcano until fully cooked, approximately four seconds. Mince turkey and
roll in sheets of lefse. Drizzle with iodine and serve immediately.

Serves 2.

6. Angel Bacon Cake

Blend three cups flour, a pinch of yeast, two angels, and a pint of bacon. Cook at 350 degrees for fifty two minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the batter doesn't elicit screams. Frost with melted avocado.

Serves 8.


Anonymous said...

Have you been trading recipes with Righteous Bubba?

Anonymous said...

if you really want your family to leave you alone, you'd be giving them the gift of tofurkey, if not a tofurducken

Jennifer said...

Ah! My favorites!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

, and one plant oregano.

Hey! NOW you're talking Ministry of Hemp!

Also, shouldn't the title be "Gooble, gobble"?

Righteous Bubba said...

Have you been trading recipes with Righteous Bubba?

As I have made clear, technology enables high-output joke-stealing.

Mendacious D said...

Martha Stewart's alright, with a bit of added Snoop Dogg.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Snag, RB is looking to replace your skill in the kitchen with a Robot!!

A Sad Robot, sure, but still...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Plus, have you considered the advantages of deep-frying that turkey?

Seriously. My brothers and I did that one year. An afternoon of boiling grease, alcohol and truly impressive flames.... It was glorious.

Snag said...

Righteous Bubba is a righteous cook. The First Law of Robotics, however, prevents their use in my kitchen.

I deep fried a turkey last year. We did a grilled turkey and a deep fried one. Fortunately, the guy with the deep fryer was a firefighter, which reduced the risk that had originally been enhanced by the beer we consumed in the process. We did it in the front yard. I'm sure the neighbors were thrilled.

Brando said...

Snag, did you put the fryer on concrete blocks?

I like that you included tape with your cheese tray recipe. That provides a lot of extra fiber.

Also, I believe with virgin turkey, you should never stuff it before serving.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Brando goes Full Filthbot!!!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Righteous Bubba is a righteous cook. The First Law of Robotics, however, prevents their use in my kitchen.

The First Law of Robotix prevents the use of Bubbas in your kitchen?


I think I need another drink to figure that one out.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...


6. Angel Bacon Cake

As Minister of Hemp, I prefer bakin' angels...