In The Land Of Peat And Honey

Tonight several of us are off to a tasting at a nearby restaurant, with twenty single malts available for comparison. Surprisingly, our wives are less enthusiastic about this than one would guess.

"You're going with H., and O. to a Scotch drinking contest?" my Lovely Bride asked skeptically.

"It's not a contest," I said. "It's a tasting."

"It'll turn into a contest," said O.'s wife.

"That's a hurtful comment," I said.

"You'll be hurting Saturday morning," said the Lovely Bride. "Make sure you have cab fare, okay?"

"Don't worry, E.'s driving." E. doesn't drink.

"Perfect," said O.'s wife. "The Three Stooges won't have any incentive to be responsible."

"Why is E. going to a Scotch tasting?" the Lovely Bride asked.

"Because we're so much fun to be with?" I suggested.

"More likely because he's afraid he'll have to help raise our kids if you get killed in a car accident," she replied.

Even I recognize the folly of an outing like this on an empty stomach. H. and I have therefore made plans to eat at a different restaurant beforehand.

"Let me get this straight," said the Lovely Bride. "You're going to gorge yourself on liver and onions and then dump Scotch on top of it."

"I wouldn't put it quite like that," I said.

"Was my statement accurate?" she asked.

"It's your tone. You're being hurtful again. Why can't I have a hobby?"

"Most people don't consider cholesterol and liquor hobbies."

"Most people don't have my refined sensibilities."

"I have a lot to get done tomorrow," she said. "Do not come home and start singing if I'm asleep."

"I offer you the gift of music and this is the thanks I get," I said.

"The thanks you're going to get is a night on the couch."

"Our boys love me," I said.

"Maybe," she said. "Parental imprinting is genetic, though. Don't be too impressed with yourself."

I reached over and gave her a smooch on the cheek. "You're my snookums," I told her.

"I'll leave a blanket out for you," she said.

UPDATE: We tried: Clynelish 14 year, Glenkinchie 12 year, Cragganmore 12 year, Dalwhinnie 15 year, Oban 14 year, Talisker 1o year, Talisker Distillers, Caol Ila 12 year, Lagavulin 16 year, and Johnny Walker Green. The Glenkinchie, Dalwhinnie, and Lagavulin were my favorites but I don't like a ton of peat. The Talisker 10 year tasted like moose.

The evening began with prime rib and a side of lamb chops and ended with karaoke. Don't ask.