Snag's List

I don't have any practical use for a personals ad, having already inflicted my Lovely Bride with a vow of lifetime misery. AG's obsession with Craig's List, however, got me thinking about what kind of ad I'd post if I was back on the market. In other words: What type ad would a Snag boy post if a Snag boy would post ads?

Hey, Hey Mama, Like the Way You Move

Reply to: befouled@comcast.net
Stardate: -315260.42941400304

If I had a nickel for every time I've been slapped, I'd buy a chunk of malachite big enough to choke a hamster. Because that's who I am. Thoughtful, yet profligate. Meaty, yet angular. An American with a Third World smile.

So who are you, m'lady? Do you love Wikipedia's chocolate mousse? Have you ever played Twister in a smock? Can you go from Superhero to Superfox in the time it takes to disrobe in a phone booth? If so, let's groove.

And groove we will. When you hang with me, you hang in style. My tikis are going 24/7. There's a hot tub full of flavored gelatin shots out back and Sade playing in quadraphonic sound. Later, we can go for a ride in my sound-proofed panel van, shoot at some road signs with my homemade paintball gun.

Picture yourself massaging my goiter. Then picture me rubbing yours. Pure pleasure, the Snag way.

I'm short, squat, and clinically depressed. You're a Brazilian wax model, Ph.D. preferred, trilingual skills essential (German, Tagalog, and Sioux). Please, no fatties, phonies, philatelists, or focus groups.

DNA samples gladly exchanged.