Saturday, July 28, 2007

Bon Appétit, Volume 5 - Recipes From The Heartland

Here I am near the end of a long trip through the Real America, having had the opportunity to sample some of the regional foods that Real Americans eat. Using my worldly charm and boyish good looks, I was able to obtain some Real American family recipes, enough to prepare a dinner fit for the most discriminating palate.

1. Corn

Plant corn seeds. Water until knee-high. Sell corn to ethanol plant. Use proceeds to buy Green Giant Canned Niblets®. Open can. Feeds 8.

Chef's note - For formal occasions, contents may be heated before serving.

2. Ham

Obtain one pork. Trim until only ham remains, reserving scraps. Cover with water and place in 600 degree oven until well-browned, approximately three hours. Reduce oven to 17 degrees and continue roasting for one week. Sprinkle pork scraps over ham and serve immediately. Feeds 6 1/2.

3. Rolls

Carefully form wheat into rolls. Sprinkle with yeast. When rolls reach interior temperature of 92 degrees, garnish with butter. Feeds 8.

Chef's note - Rolls may be prepared in shape of crescent for Muslim guests.

4. Pickles

Prepare pickling batter. Combine one cup heavy cream and two tablespoons pickle sauce (available at most feed stores). Whip until thoroughly blended.

Insert three large cucumbers (you may substitute chicken) into pickling batter. Allow to marinade until pickles form. Slice as desired. Feeds 29.

5. Dessert

Open one package hot dog buns. Bring a large pot of unflavored water to a boil and add buns. Return water to a boil and continue to cook buns for 45 minutes. Using tongs, remove boiled buns from water and chill. Before serving, sprinkle buns with sugar. Feeds 1.

Chef's note - Minced honey or a Pepsi reduction may be substituted for sugar.


Righteous Bubba said...

I wish people would think of the poor baby cucumbers before proposing some ghastly torture for their parents.

Anonymous said...

Welcome home, Snag.

Asad Sayeed said...

Baby cucumbers make fine baby pickles!

Anonymous said...

This leaves me wondering... just what the hell is relish?? The discarded pickle embryos?? Shouldn't every pickle have a chance for a full and happy life? Or is it made up of amputated pickle parts?

And why... why do we call is "relish"?? Do we secretly relish the wanton destruction of innocent pickles?

Snag? Snag?? What are the answers???

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Snag, you got a faulty recipe book.

After the pickles are battered, (up here in der Nort we say Battreed) they need to be deep fried.

Kathleen said...

followers of Pickle Jesus preach abstinence-only, and therefore there shall be no insertion of large cucumbers into batter.

Anonymous said...

I'm so damn confused... is Pickle Jesus a homophobe? Is that why there is to be know insertion of the pickle into the batter?? Can you insert into the catcher?

Snag, clearly your entire post is in a pickle. I think we all need more clarity on the history and stance of the pickle.

And... is a pickle really just a drunk cucumber? Do pickles need a 12 step program? I'm not even going to go in to Mr. Pilgrim's question about pickles being fried! Those pickles need to just say no to drugs!!!

Anonymous said...

and I was so confused that I typed *know* instead of *no*.

I was out of coffee this morning! I've had some since, but the window for clarity on this given day slammed shut before I got it.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

This is exactly why AG is on a diet.


Snag said...

The poor, neglected pickle. This trend-setting blog clearly needs to focus on it.

The pickles thank you for your concern.