Thanksgiving is almost here! In addition to accumulating large quantities of alcohol in anticipation of an entire day with my extended family, I'm dusting off my Snag family turkey day recipes. Whether you're a traditionalist in the style of Martha Stewart or a foodie on the cutting edge, à la Hannibal Lecter, you'll find something here to satisfy your cravings.
1. Cheese Tray
Acquire one cow. Milk regularly, setting aside milk. Convert milk to cheese. Add three tablespoons Gouda flavoring. Dust with cinnamon sugar and tape to crackers.
Serves 25.
2. Cranberry Sauce
Cran two pounds berries. Heat until molten. Gradually stir in one cup fennel, two small pineapples, and a handful of lard. Whisk until smooth. When cool, pour mixture into hollowed onion halves.
Serves 3.
3. Green Beans
Remove giblets from one pound yellow beans and set beans aside until moldy, reserving giblets. Over a medium hot grill, sauté beans until tender, approximately two hours. While beans are cooking, combine giblets with three mittens and a teaspoon of ferret ink. Combine giblet mixture and beans and pour over toasted bagels.
Serves 16.
4. Stuffing
In a large pot, bring to a boil three quarts eel stock. When stock is at a full boil, slowly add one and a half pounds of turnip flour, stirring constantly until mixture is congealed. Remove from heat and fold in a Hydrox cookie, six mayonnaises, and one plant oregano. Top with bolts and serve at room temperature.
Serves 33.
5. Turkey
Entrap one virgin turkey (cod may be substituted if turkey is unavailable). Defeather bird, taking care not to deflower. Coat with extra virgin olive oil. Immerse turkey in a preheated volcano until fully cooked, approximately four seconds. Mince turkey and roll in sheets of lefse. Drizzle with iodine and serve immediately.
Serves 2.
6. Angel Bacon Cake
Blend three cups flour, a pinch of yeast, two angels, and a pint of bacon. Cook at 350 degrees for fifty two minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the batter doesn't elicit screams. Frost with melted avocado.
Serves 8.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Bon Appétit, Volume 12 - Gobble, Gobble
Posted by Snag at 11:12 PM
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13 comments:
Have you been trading recipes with Righteous Bubba?
~
if you really want your family to leave you alone, you'd be giving them the gift of tofurkey, if not a tofurducken
Ah! My favorites!
, and one plant oregano.
Hey! NOW you're talking Ministry of Hemp!
Also, shouldn't the title be "Gooble, gobble"?
Have you been trading recipes with Righteous Bubba?
As I have made clear, technology enables high-output joke-stealing.
Martha Stewart's alright, with a bit of added Snoop Dogg.
Snag, RB is looking to replace your skill in the kitchen with a Robot!!
A Sad Robot, sure, but still...
Plus, have you considered the advantages of deep-frying that turkey?
Seriously. My brothers and I did that one year. An afternoon of boiling grease, alcohol and truly impressive flames.... It was glorious.
Righteous Bubba is a righteous cook. The First Law of Robotics, however, prevents their use in my kitchen.
I deep fried a turkey last year. We did a grilled turkey and a deep fried one. Fortunately, the guy with the deep fryer was a firefighter, which reduced the risk that had originally been enhanced by the beer we consumed in the process. We did it in the front yard. I'm sure the neighbors were thrilled.
Snag, did you put the fryer on concrete blocks?
I like that you included tape with your cheese tray recipe. That provides a lot of extra fiber.
Also, I believe with virgin turkey, you should never stuff it before serving.
Brando goes Full Filthbot!!!
Righteous Bubba is a righteous cook. The First Law of Robotics, however, prevents their use in my kitchen.
The First Law of Robotix prevents the use of Bubbas in your kitchen?
Hmmm.
I think I need another drink to figure that one out.
Also:
6. Angel Bacon Cake
As Minister of Hemp, I prefer bakin' angels...
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