Monday, November 10, 2008

Harvest Time

I spent the weekend at a friend's cabin.

"Be careful," said the Lovely Bride as I was packing. "It's deer opener."

"I know," I replied. "I'm bringing my antler hat. You can finally collect on my insurance."

My youngest perked up at this. "Woo hoo, we're going to be rich!"

"I love you too, buddy," I said absently, as I tucked some vinegar in with my socks.

"Why are you bringing vinegar?" the Lovely Bride asked.

"To keep away the flies."

"What?"

"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

"Then why are you bringing honey?"

"Bear bait."

"Well, that's just great," said my middle son. "Bears. Now you're putting the whole cabin in jeopardy."

His younger brother and I giggled. The Lovely Bride looked confused.

"It's from Anchorman," I explained.

"Best movie ever," said my youngest.

"Except for Gangs of New York," said the middle one.

The Lovely Bride rolled her eyes. "Your father got in enough trouble for letting you watch that," she told the middle boy. "Don't make it worse." Turning to me she asked again, "Why are you bringing honey and vinegar?"

"It's for a recipe," I said.

"What are you making?"

"Cannibal stew."

"What's cannibal stew?" asked the youngest.

"It's made from dead people," I told him.

"Gross," he shrieked.

"Ignore your father," said the Lovely Bride.

"I learned to eat it in the Army," I told him. "It was part of our training."

"What's wrong with you?" the Lovely Bride asked.

"Seriously. That way if you're ever trapped behind enemy lines you'll have overcome the social barriers that would prevent you from doing what you need to survive."

"You've never had a problem ignoring social barriers," said the Lovely Bride.

"That's because I have high self-esteem," I said.

"Because you're a moron," said my oldest son.

"Anyway," I continued, "the Army would cook up these huge vats of cannibal stew and then everyone would have to try a spoonful."

"You're lying," said my youngest. "The Army didn't let you kill people."

"Of course not. They used people who died accidentally. Like human road kill."

"So where are you going to get a dead person this weekend?" he asked triumphantly. "Nowhere. Liar."

"He'd have a point if this conversation made sense," the Lovely Bride told me.

"I'm spending the weekend with my friends at a cabin full of liquor in the middle of the woods during deer hunting season. What are the odds we're all going to survive?"

The Lovely Bride contemplated this.

I started nibbling on her neck. "Mmm, you'd make good stew."

"Go away," she said.

"Kiss the cook," I said, giving her a smooch.

"Gross," said the youngest.

12 comments:

fish said...

At least you hope you are the cook.

rotten mcdonald said...

This story has taken a weird turn...

Kathleen said...

"You're lying," said my youngest. "The Army didn't let you kill people."

winner for most unintentional comedy.

Snag said...

Sad that his comment about the Army not letting me kill anyone didn't strike me as odd.

almostinfamous said...

look on the bright side: at least you're not going to run into Cheney THIS year. you can never tell where his undisclosed location will be next year onwards...

rotten mcdonald said...

I guess I understand why the army wouldn't let Snag kill anyone

They would worry about getting him to stop

fish said...

Did you pack your deer opener?

Jennifer said...

fish- I thought the same thing and was wondering how big it was.

Snag- did you wear your white mittens??

Snag said...

I like to use an electric deer opener so I need to bring a generator with me into the woods.

It's amazing, isn't it, that I'd be entrusted with machine guns and grenade launchers? Oh, if I'd only known what I know now.

Brando said...

"Seriously. That way if you're ever trapped behind enemy lines you'll have overcome the social barriers that would prevent you from doing what you need to survive."

Is that why the Army integrated?

rotten mcdonald said...

Grenade launchers? The Army entrusted Snag with GRENADE LAUNCHERS?

It's true then. The military is broken.

Does, however, give an entirely new meaning to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

Blogger said...

Sprinter - ChokeLine (170BPM)