"I have a question," my youngest said.
"No, I don't know why I thought having children was a good idea," I said.
"Shut up," he said. "That wasn't my question."
"Yeah, well, it's my question," I said.
"Shut up," he said again. "I have a real question."
"Fine, what is it?"
"Would you rather be Adrian Peterson or Jesus?"
"What?" I asked.
"Would you rather be the Vikings running back or Jesus?"
"Are you on drugs?" I asked him.
"I drank some weed at school last week," he said.
"That would explain a lot," said his oldest brother, home from college for the holiday break.
"I wish I had some weed to drink," I muttered.
"What is your father going on about now?" asked the Lovely Bride as she came into the room.
"He's wishing for drugs," said my middle son.
"Strychnine would be a good choice," she suggested.
"He asked me if I'd rather be Adrian Peterson or Jesus," I told her.
"That's...unusual," she said.
"So, what's your answer?" the youngest demanded.
"A.P.," said the middle one.
"But he gets tackled every week," the youngest said.
"Better than getting crucified," said the middle kid.
"But then you get to live forever," said the youngest.
"Fairy tale," said the middle one.
"I should have stayed in Miami," said the oldest.
"Merry Christmas to us all," I said.
"We don't celebrate Christmas," said the middle boy. "You're too cheap."
"It's not because I'm cheap. Besides, you're the one who's always going on about being an atheist," I reminded him.
"I believe in presents," he replied.
"Good," I said. "When you go away to college you can join a cargo cult."
"I'll put you down for Adrian Peterson," said the youngest. Then he quacked a couple of times.
"Do you want a drink as much as I do?" I asked the Lovely Bride.
"I'm going to bed," she said.
"And to all a good night," I said.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
"I have a question," my youngest said.
Posted by Snag at 9:16 PM
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
"She's expecting her first child in August," said my mother.
"Who is?" I asked.
"I'm talking about your sister's niece. Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Not since you and the Lovely Bride started discussing spinal fluids. Seriously, at breakfast? What's wrong with you?"
"Stop being so squeamish," she said.
"It's Sunday," I replied. "Why aren't you at church? Sinner."
"We were at a family wedding last weekend," said the Lovely Bride, trying to change the subject. "The ceremony was performed by a Baptist preacher."
"How was that?" asked my mother.
"Different," said the Lovely Bride.
"'Different' as in 'nuts,'" I said.
"That's a little strong," said the Lovely Bride.
"Not hardly," I said. "He told some bizarre story about kinsmen redeemers. If I started jabbering like that you'd think I'm schizophrenic."
"It's from the New Testament," said the Lovely Bride.
"How about the part where Naomi marries Ruth?" I asked.
"He might have gotten the story a little confused," she admitted.
"It did make it more interesting," I said.
"What's a kinsmen redeemer?" asked my mother.
"You'd know if you were God-fearing," I told my mother.
She turned to my middle son. "What do you think about religion?" she asked.
"I really hope I'm right about the whole 'God doesn't exist' thing or my being dead time is gonna be bad," he said.
My mother started at her grandson for a moment. "Well," she finally said. "Alright."
"I'm so proud," muttered the Lovely Bride.
"Anyway, what's the story about this person I don't know who's having a baby?" I asked.
"Don't be snotty," said my mother. "It's an unfortunate situation. The father's not around so she's going to have to raise the child without any male support."
"If she needs mail support she could always call the post office," I suggested.
"Please die," my son told me.
"Does she know whether it's going to be a boy or a girl?" the Lovely Bride asked.
"A girl," said my mother. "She's planning to name her Sophie."
"She'll have to make a decision then," I said.
"What sort of decision," my mother asked suspiciously.
"You see why I don't believe in God?" asked the boy.
Posted by Snag at 10:39 AM
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
"Where are you going to be using these?" asked the saleswoman as my middle son tried on a pair of indoor soccer shoes.
"I have to go play soccer in Costa Rica," he replied.
"You have to?" she asked.
"For the love of God," I sputtered. "You'd think you were going to the gulag."
"You didn't remind me it was the rainy season when I picked the trip," he said.
"Please kill me," I asked the saleswoman. She gave me a nervous grin and sidled away.
The boy and I were shopping for the two week trip to Costa Rica his grandmother was sending him on. She's promised to send all her grandchildren anywhere they want to go between their junior and senior years in high school. What do I get? The joy of knowing the lives of my children are infinitely better than mine.
"You do realize that nobody in the world feels sorry for you?" I asked my son.
"Wait until they find out I have to wear hippie sandals."
"They're not hippie sandals. They're ungodly expensive Tevas that we bought for whitewater rafting on the Pacuare River. This is the most expensive free trip in history."
"They make me look like a hippie."
"Are you on crack?" I asked him. "Seriously. Let's have a 'Go Ask Alice' talk right now."
"Alice was a hippie too."
"Or is it meth?" I asked.
"It's like those people in the movie 'Hair.' They should get a job instead of hanging out in a park."
"You're still mad at a bunch of fictional characters from a movie you saw ten years ago?"
"You're the one who's always telling me I need to work harder," he reminded me.
My headache was coming back, to the extent it ever leaves.
"Can we buy these shoes and get out of here?" I begged. "We have more shopping left."
"What else do I need?" he asked.
"A backpack," I said. "And some patchouli. And I have to go to the liquor store."
"You didn't tell me we were going to the liquor store."
"That's because I didn't need to go until now."
"I should have let Mom bring me shopping."
"I should have let Mom raise you by herself," I said.
"At least you can't annoy me when I'm in Costa Rica," he said.
Mission accomplished, I thought.
Posted by Snag at 2:43 PM
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"See?" I asked the Lovely Bride. "I'm supposed to eat more kimchi."
"That's not what he said," she replied.
"He said I should take good care of myself. Cabbage is healthy. Q.E.D."
The Lovely Bride turned her attention back to the cardiologist.
"Doctor, can you summarize?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied, clearly relieved to have something to discuss besides fermented vegetables. "Your husband is in atrial fibrillation again. The choice is whether to attempt another cardioversion, coupled with new medications, or to let him live with the condition."
"And as I understand it," I interjected, "the new drugs would carry a small but measurable risk of lung, liver, or heart failure."
"Correct," said the doctor.
"And the research doesn't indicate one way or the other whether living with A-Fib will impact my life expectancy."
"True," he said.
"And my quality of life isn't being impacted in any significant way by my irregular heartbeat."
"You're the best judge of that," he said.
"So, balancing all that, am I wrong to forgo the medication?"
"I can't answer that," he said.
"I've thought about this," I told the Lovely Bride.
"I suppose you have," she said.
I hope I'm right, I thought.
Posted by Snag at 11:00 PM