Sunday, August 29, 2010


My mother visited this morning, notwithstanding the Lovely Bride was out of town with my oldest and youngest.

"Hello!" she called as she came through the door.

"Hi Grandma," the middle kid called from the basement, where he was fighting Nazis or space aliens or God knows what.

"I need you to help me with something," she said to me.

"If you need someone killed, you're better off going to that bar you were at last night," I told her.

"I was at a play last night," she said.

"Sure you were," I said.

"I'll kill someone for you Grandma," the middle boy yelled.

"I don't need anyone killed," said my mother.

"Good," I said. "My own list is already too long."

"Stop being silly. I need your help."

"Fine. With what?"

"I want to say something negative about someone on the internet."

"That will certainly stand out," I said.

"I am very unhappy with the company that ran my tour to Norway."

"Not enough lutefisk?" I asked.

"The food was fine," she said. "The problem was the air conditioning on the bus. It didn't work."

"Why don't you just get a handful of carbon dioxide and use it to beat your grandchildren?" I asked.

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"Of course I'll help you," I said. "You're the best mom ever. That's why I'm the best dad ever."

She rolled her eyes.

"Am I the best dad ever?" I yelled to the middle kid.

"Can I have $10?" he asked.

"Okay," I said.

"You're the best dad ever," he yelled.

"See?" I beamed at my mother. "Now, what do you want me to do?"

She handed me a typewritten sheet laying out a complete timeline of the air conditioning issue on the bus, as well as her failed attempts to get the situation remedied on the trip and afterward.

"You spent five days on a bus without air conditioning, with the temperatures in the 80s, and they only sent you a check for $50?" I asked her when I finished reading.

"That's right," she said.

"What happened to you?" I asked. My mother's relatives in other cities used to save up their store returns for her visits. I think it was her way to fight the corporate system. That, and League of Women Voters.

"They're based in North Dakota," she said. "I can't visit their office, I don't know the Attorney General in that state, but people should know they don't take care of their customers."

"Yes they should," I agreed, posting her comments about Brekke Tours.


Jennifer said...

You obviously used your breath spray.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

No all caps/curse words?

Shirley you want to be taken seriously!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

actually, it sounds like she DOES need someone killed.

Vonnie said...

great post. good son.

Brando said...

I love the pro: "Knew Norway."

But honestly, who knew you needed AC in Scandinavia?

Substance McGravitas said...

That right there is an achy Brekke heart.

Kathleen said...

perhaps if you had added cute pictures of cats...