Monday, July 26, 2010

Gummi Bear

"Hey, come here," I yelled downstairs.

"What?" my middle kid yelled back.

"Just come here," I said.

"I bet you're in trouble," the youngest said.

"Shut up," the middle boy told his brother.

"Stop arguing and both of you come here," I yelled again.

"Are you going to make us watch one of your stupid music videos?" the middle kid asked as he trudged into the room.

"Look," I said, pointing to the computer.

"Hey, that's my oldest brother!"

"Yeah, they're posting photos from Australia. This one's from yesterday."

"Is that a koala?" asked the youngest.

"It sure is. Pretty cute, isn't it?"

"Cool," said the youngest.

"You know what he did right after they took the picture?" I asked.

"What?" asked the middle boy.

"He had to kill and eat it."

"WHAT?!!" they both shouted in unison.

"Sure. It's part of the travel experience," I said.

"You're lying," the youngest said with certainty.

"No I'm not," I said. "Your brother's learning about different cultures."

"Dad's lying, right?" the youngest asked the middle boy.

I shook my head. "Look, it's like when you have a hamburger. Someone had to kill the cow. This is the same thing. It's a way to teach about the farm to fork cycle."

"But that's a koala. People don't eat koalas," said the middle kid.

"Then why is Australia full of koala ranches?" I pointed out.

"Nobody would eat a koala," insisted the youngest.

"We don't eat them here. In India they don't eat cows. Same thing."

"How did he kill it?" the middle boy asked, still skeptical, but also a little intrigued.

"With a special tool," I said. "It's called a didgeridoo."

"That's not a weapon, that's an instrument," the youngest smirked. "Your friend R. has one."

"It's a multipurpose tool," I replied. "You can play music on it or kill with it. 'Didgeridoo' means 'koala hammer' in Australian."

"Mom, is there such a language as Australian?" the middle kid asked as the Lovely Bride walked in the room.

"They speak English in Australia," she said. "Why, what's your father telling you this time?"

"What did my brother eat for dinner at the koala ranch?" demanded the youngest.

"Oh, dear God," said the Lovely Bride.


Jennifer said...

Koala Hammer!! I thought that was an Australian rapper.

I'm glad you've heard from your offspring. I'm sure you slept better knowing he was alive and well.

Jennifer said...

FYI- your post got 3 spit takes at dinner this evening. Koala Hammer is definitely part of the vernacular now.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Everybody knows Didgeridoo™ is a chemical produced by Acme© that eliminates harmful didgers.

Substance McGravitas said...

Koala recipe required.

Kathleen said...

oh my god. this is so Snag.

Smut Clyde said...

Now I cannot help imagining your family as characters in a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon.

Mandos said...

There are Australian languages, though. Snag is right. There's even one whose name sounds like "Gerbil".

I googled "koala ranch" and this came up near the top.

Vonnie said...

I will also be stealing Koala Hammer.
Loved this post.
Thank God I knew not to take a sip of my water while reading this post.

Brando said...

oh my god. this is so Snag.

Indeed. I looked at this post and asked, "How much more Snag could this be?" And the answer is none. None more Snag.

Koala hammer made TLB laugh out loud when I read this to her.

fish said...

Koala hammers are used for eucalyptus nails. Digiridoo is what you step in if you follow too close to a digiri. Do I have to teach you all everything?