Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Modest Proposals

Today is Election Day in our Great Nation, with all its attendant opportunities to vote for the crazy person of my choice. Using this cherished right prompted me to think about my dream candidate, and the platform he/she/it would support.

1. Abortion

Women will be encouraged to carry to term any fetus whose ultrasound indicates a winning personality. Excess stem cells will be given social security numbers and trained for entry-level jobs in the hospitality industry.

2. Immigration

Illegal immigration will be outlawed. The Statute of Liberty will be moved to Wichita and used for natural gas storage.

3. Civil Rights

Civil disobedience will be mandatory.

4. Taxes

An annual lottery will be held in April. Winners will get a year's exemption from taxes. Losers will be stoned to death.

5. Capital Punishment

Stupid drivers will be killed.

6. Energy Conservation

See #5.

7. Gun Control

Community gun pools will be encouraged as a way to reduce the number of guns on the street.

8. Environment

Four legs good, two legs bad.

9. Arts

Bands of roving poets will be hired to accost strangers in malls and dark alleys. Professional sports will be renamed "performance art," making the United States the top art-loving nation in the world. Woo-hoo! We're #1!

10. Poverty and Hunger

A moose in every pot!


Righteous Bubba said...

Stupid drivers will be killed.

Hee hee, good thing I'm not one of the stupid drivers or boy would I be in for it.

Kathleen said...

and a chili dog in every garage?

Anonymous said...

so how many snagform løbbyists have you hired? cause let me tell ya. if you want something done in that congress of yours, you better be making serious bank

Mendacious D said...

You forgot the one about mandatory drunkenness while debating legislation. It won't streamline the process, but it would at least make it entertaining. CSPAN would get ratings!

Brando said...

What about a standardization of bathroom sex codes?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

That's a Republican Party platform, Brando.

Anonymous said...

Snag takes no stance on bathroom sex codes.

Snag said...

My stance on bathroom sex codes is widely popular.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

The abortion issue is why AG is still single.

Effin' Republican't cobags.

I hate. Therfore I am AG.

Pinko Punko said...

I'm having a love affair with snag all over again.