An actual email exchange follows. It's a miracle I have friends, much less a family.
Characters:
E: The father of the birthday party guest of honor. Also my son's basketball coach.
V.: The mother of the birthday party guest of honor.
H.: The mother of one of the attendees. Her son has gotten violently ill the last two years. After last year, we concluded was due to an allergy to the hair paint.
O: The mother of another attendee.
Snag: Yours truly.
Setting: E. and V. youngest son's birthday party traditionally includes attending the homecoming game on Friday night.
************************************************************************************
From: H.
Hi,
My son was sent home from school today with a bad chest cold. (I thought it was just a cough and sent him to school with cough medicine, my husband thought he had bronchitis, go figure-he was somewhere in the middle) As much fun as it would be to see if would be the third year that he tried to get sick on E.'s shoes, the doc said he needs to stay home tomorrow and will unfortunately miss the party. We will drop off his card and gift at a later time. Thanks for inviting him!!!! He does enjoy the parties (up until the headache and puking)
From: E.
I'll be over later tonight to spray his hair with paint just in case he doesn't throw up enough.
From: Snag
Or I can throw up on you.
From: V.
I will take your son and you can spend the evening with the Wacko team of E. and Snag... It will be as much fun as cleaning up after a sick kid. Tell your son we hope he gets better soon and we will do something fun together when he gets better.
E. and Snag:
What the hell is wrong with the 2 of you?
From: Snag
We should get the kids' teachers copied on these emails. They think E. and I are hilarious.
From: E.
We even have our pictures at the post office and have been to the principal's office many times.
From: Snag
I wonder what O.'s up to today?
From: E.
Let's invite her into our little group.
From: V.
E.:
Don’t you have things to take care of that I ask you to do every day and you tell me you were to busy at work to get to them?
From: Snag
From: E.
Do you happen to be wearing "swim fins"? That's just hot.
From: Snag
I am. And I'm dancing the tarantella.
From: E.
O., care to comment today?
From: Snag
Or I can comment for her. I'm an email ventriloquist.
From: E.
I saw the way you were controlling your youngest son’s flapping jaws last night. Your lips didn't even move. Impressive.
From: E.
I'll teach him how to make whale mating noises during basketball practice.
From: Snag
You could design a play around it. He makes a series of high-pitched squeaks, prompting the others to spread out like a school of dolphins around the basket.
From: E.
Maybe have a couple of parents throw a gill net over some of the bigger kids from the other team.
From: Snag
Meanwhile, you and I can honk like seagulls, as we did in St. Louis.
Where the hell are the women? I was they could multi-task as much as you and I do.
From: V.
Will you leave me alone, I am busy reading knitting blogs.
From: E.
I thought you were picking out your cheerleading outfits for tomorrow's game. I know Snag is.
From: Snag
It's going to be a Very Special Homecoming. Soon to be a Lifetime Channel special event.
From: H.
Do you two get some sort of e-mail commission written into your compensation plan? I turn the computer back on and I have 30+ e-mails for you two clowns . . and to make matters worse I have a visual of both of you in cheerleading outfits honking like geese-- like I need scary images.
From: V.
Oh no H. you have just made a fatal mistake, it called responding to the 2 idiots.
Update: Edited for pedantry.
6 comments:
From: Snag
I wonder what O.'s up to today?
From: E.
Let's invite her into our little group.
See, there's that decline in Public Morals that the Republicans are always warning us about.
menage a Snag. with painted hair.
Desperate Housewives Indeed, and I don't blame them.
It's YOURS truly, Snag.
Not YOUR'S. Unless the recipient is, in fact, your owner.
Which he might be, considering the suburb of depravity you live in.
minus 10 BluGrrl Points. hit -100, and Phil Collins will be stopping by to warble the hits of Slim Whitman with a bagpipe choir.
Parents e-mail chains are so-ooo 1992.
"soooo 1992" is SO last week AG.
minus 15 Blugrrl points for you!
Oh no. Snag must suffer the spelling instructions/corrections of BP also...
Welcome to the club!
-100 bluegrrrl points for BP + one too many draft beers Wed night
Don’t you have things to take care of that I ask you to do every day and you tell me you were to busy at work to get to them?
a classic of its genre.
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