Degrees Of Certainty

Sunday didn't start out well. A fight with my middle kid on the way to an early game.

"Hey, did you bring your phone?" my son asked his friend who was carpooling with us.

"No. Why would I need it at the game?" his friend asked.

"In case you have to call a play," I told him.

My son sneered at me. "Sometimes you're funny by accident," he said. "That was just stupid."

"Wrong. That was hilarious. A prime example of Algonquin Round Table style wit."

"Shut up," he said.

"You think I'm funny, don't you?" I implored his friend, who wisely chose to stay out of it.

"Shut up," my son repeated. "And put on some different music."

In response I turned up the radio.

Sunday night was better. We were having a rare family dinner when the conversation turned to colleges.

"I want to go to USC," said my oldest.

I tried to stifle the gag reflex triggered by the potential cost. "Good school," I told him. "My friend N. went there. He liked it a lot."

"I want to go to MIT," said my middle kid.

"Why?" asked the Lovely Bride.

"I like schools with 'Technology' in the name."

Great. Still, more thought than I put into my own college choice.

"I want to go to Duke," said my youngest. "I'm either going to be a major league baseball player or a hobo."

The rest of us turned to look at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I finally asked. He grinned and shrugged.

"Are you really a doctor?" he asked me, randomly changing the subject.

"Yes," I said. "Says so right on the diploma."

"You're not a real doctor," said the older.

"Want to bet?" I asked. "Get me a knife and I'll show you."

"Don't be an idiot," said the Lovely Bride.

"He can't help it," said my oldest.

"You should all go to Grandma's alma mater," I them. "You could borrow her costume."

"What costume?" asked the youngest.

"The one with the ears and whiskers she likes to wear when her school's teams are playing on TV."

"Your grandmother does not have a costume," the Lovely Bride advised our children.

"Prove it," I said.

She glared at me in return.

"See, you can't," I said.

"I changed my mind," she said. "Get the knife."