Behind The Curtain

My middle son had a basketball tournament last weekend. As usual, it was located in the spot selected to be least convenient for me. That left several hours between games.

So I started a crossword. Like flies to something unspeakable, my kid and his teammates swarmed to me.

"What are you doing?" one of them demanded.

I looked up. "Hoping you'll all go play in traffic."

"Is your dad a nerd?" another one asked.

"Kind of," my son replied. "I think he used to get beat up a lot in school."

I considered swearing at him. Too many other parents around. "I love you, son," I said instead.

That sent them scattering. "If you want to see a nerd, be sure to join us at Bingo Night on Friday," I shouted at their backs.

Sure enough, it's that time of year again. Less than forty eight hours until Bingo. H. and I are once again in charge, having earned a nice pittance for the PTA last year. Our costumes are purchased and well ironed. My youngest, our family's sole remaining elementary school constituent, is desperate to know the theme.

"I'm not going to tell you," I said. "The surprise is half the fun. Actually, the drinks afterward are most of the fun, but it's bad parenting to tell you that. Make a note of that for the therapist you're going to see eventually."

"Please," he begged.

"No."

"At least tell me this," he said. "If you were going to be a dog, would H. be a dog too or would he be a cat?"

I stared at him. "Don't forget your bingo helmet," I finally said.

"Did you actually go to the costume store?" asked my middle son.

"Maybe," I replied coyly.

"Because that would be great," he said.

"That would be horrible," my oldest said.

"That's why it would be great," I said.

"Is Grandma really coming this year?" asked the youngest.

"Yes, she is," I said. "She's going to love it."

"Her son is going to be dancing around on stage in a costume making bad puns," said the Lovely Bride. "I'm not sure 'she's going to love it' properly covers her possible range of emotions."

"She's always believed in volunteering," I said.

"She's also believed in maintaining her dignity," said the Lovely Bride.

"Dignity's overrated," I said.

"There's your epitaph," she replied.