Adequate Sunday

"My New Year's resolution is to kill all of you," I said.

Even my youngest son, who's pretty well accustomed to hearing strange things around our house, looked startled.

"Real nice, Dad," said my middle boy.

"Can you blame me?" I asked. "All I wanted was to watch the football game in peace. Instead I get kids yapping at me."

"We're watching the game too," the youngest protested.

"No, you're staring at the television while you talk. It's driving me nuts."

"Why?" he asked. "Do you care what Joe Buck is saying?"

"No. But I care even less about what you're saying."

"Thanks, Daddy," the middle boy said with as much sarcasm as he could muster. Which is quite a lot.

"I love you too, my precious angel," I told him. He clapped his hands and pretended to giggle with delight. His older brother sneered at both of us.

Our dog appeared at the top of the stairs, barking at nothing in particular.

I pointed at her and started singing. "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong." The middle boy sang along.

"Can you tell me which dog is the one that I'll pummel, before I finish this song?" I finished.

"She's barking because she hates you," my oldest told me.

"Second verse, same as the first!" I shouted.

"Stop being stupid," the youngest said.

"Tough talk for a kid who crawled into a kennel last night with two friends and a puppy," I replied.

"We wanted to see what it was like," he countered.

"Smelly, dirty, and uncomfortable," I told him. "Like our house."

I looked back at the TV just in time to see the home team give up a touchdown. This prompted a new squabble between my middle boy, who's a fan, and my youngest, who supports their division rivals.

"Thank you, Lord," I muttered.

"When's Mom coming home?" asked the oldest boy.

"Never, if she's smart," I said. "I can't wait until you all go back to school tomorrow."

"And we can't wait for you to go back to work," said the youngest.

At least we're even.