Ooh, Pick Me

As Friends of Befouled know, my campaign has developed some serious Snagmentum. It seemed only appropriate that I join Senator Joe Biden (D-MBNA) and Governor Sarah Palin (R-Clueless) at the debate. For those who missed it, here are my answers to Gwen Ifill's questions.

Q: As America watches these things happen on Capitol Hill, was this the worst of Washington or the best of Washington that we saw play out?

A: I'd be hard pressed to say it was the worst of Washington; the legislation doesn't actually require us to bomb any foreign countries and there weren't any pages being molested while the bill was drafted, at least as far as I know. On the other hand, I'm disappointed Congress did not adopt my amendment permitting investment bankers to be tarred and feathered, which would have made it a much easier sell back home.

Q: As vice president, how would you work to shrink this gap of polarization which has sprung up in Washington?

A: By jailing my opponents.

Q: Now, let's talk about -- the next question is to talk about the subprime lending meltdown. Who do you think was at fault? Was it the greedy lenders? Was it the risky home-buyers who shouldn't have been buying a home in the first place? And what should you be doing about it?

A: Many people are unaware of the Albanian influence on the international economy, but in recent years they have cornered the market in dung. This in turn has driven up the cost of fertilizer, and by extension food. As people pay more for food they are increasingly unable to make their mortgage payments. You want to know why we're in this predicament? Ask an Albanian.

Q: You proposed raising taxes on people who earn over $250,000 a year. The question for you is, why is that not class warfare?

A: You're fucking kidding, right?

Q: You've proposed taxing employer health benefits which some studies say would actually throw five million more people onto the roles of the uninsured. I want to know why that isn't taking things out on the poor.

A: Because you're ignoring the choices people are making. First, they could choose a job that pays more. Second, they could choose not to get sick. My plan will encourage people to be rich and healthy. Isn't that what we want for America?

Q: What promises -- given the events of the week, the bailout plan, all of this, what promises have you and your campaigns made to the American people that you're not going to be able to keep?

A: Fortunately, my Organ Taxation Plan should generate enough revenue in kidney sales to allow most Wall Street executives to maintain their vacation homes. I acknowledge, however, that tough choices need to be made and we may have to delay implementation of our "Moose in Space" program.

Q: Last year, Congress passed a bill that would make it more difficult for debt-strapped mortgage-holders to declare bankruptcy, to get out from under that debt. Would you have supported this?

A: If we really want to get serious about personal responsibility, we need a much more aggressive system of flogging and debtors' prisons. Invisible hand? I got your invisible hand right here.

Q: Let's talk about climate change. What is true and what is false about what we have heard, read, discussed, debated about the causes of climate change?

A: We have the climate God wants us to have. Reducing greenhouse gases is like spitting on Jesus.

Q: Do you support capping carbon emissions?

A: As a carbon based life form, I find that question deeply offensive.

Q: Do you support granting same-sex benefits to couples?

A: I believe same-sex marriage should be mandatory.

Q: What do you believe is an appropriate exit strategy for Iraq?

A: I would move our troops from Iraq to the failed Benelux nations. Luxembourg is currently one of the primary sponsors of state terrorism and, along with the Canary Islands and Idaho, a critical part of the New and Improved Axis of Evil.

Q: What's the greater threat, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan?

A: I'm not going to fall for your gotcha journalism.

Q: Secretaries of state Baker, Kissinger, Powell, they have all advocated some level of engagement with enemies. Do you think these former secretaries of state are wrong on that?

A: I'll engage those bastards alright. With my fists.

Q: What has this administration done right or wrong -- this is the great, lingering, unresolved issue, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict -- what have they done? And is a two-state solution the solution?

A: I do not favor giving any of our states to the Israelis or the Palestinians.

Q: What should be the trigger, or should there be a trigger, when nuclear weapons use is ever put into play?

A: We should never use nuclear weapons without first uttering a good sound bite. "Hasta la vista" is good, especially if we're attacking a Spanish-speaking country. I would also keep "Go ahead, make my day" on the table.

Q: Senator, you have quite a record, this is the next question here, of being an interventionist. Is this something the American public has the stomach for?

A: I frankly don't care.

Q: Tell us now, looking forward, what it is you think the vice presidency is worth now.

A: Gwen, I'll take what's behind Door Number 1.

Q: Do you believe as Vice President Cheney does, that the Executive Branch does not hold complete sway over the office of the vice presidency, that it it is also a member of the Legislative Branch?

A: That's an interesting, if lunatic, theory. I can say that my vice president will be a member of Toastmasters, which offers a proven – and enjoyable! – way to practice and hone communication and leadership skills.

Q: What is your Achilles heel?

A: An Achilles heel implies imperfection. Your question therefore rests on a false assumption.

Q: Can you think of a single issue in which you were forced to change a long-held view in order to accommodate changed circumstances?

A: I used to be disgusted. Now I try to be amused.