Bon Appétit, Volume 11 - That's Some Good Wolf

Anyone can cook up a storm with gallons of truffle oil and a diamond encrusted pan. When times are tough, though, that's when a chef proves his mettle. To prove mine, I've assembled some of my favorite recipes for those on a budget. Tighten your belt, grab a seat, and let's dig in!

1. Foreclosure Foie Gras

Snare five large pigeons. Forcefeed pigeons for at least three weeks with a half-and-half mix of sand and lard. Remove livers, reserving other organs for garnish. Simmer carcasses in three quarts unflavored water overnight. Cool pigeon stock and strain out feathers. Mix together livers, stock, and a handful of fresh acorns until desired consistency. Serve with reserved organs and day old white bread.

Serves 150 former homeowners or 1 CEO.

2. Bankruptcy Barbecue

Skin and butcher two sacks of varmints. Set aside musk glands to make tea. Marinade varmints overnight in a mixture of one-half pound tallow, a pinch of salt, and one bunch dandelion stalks. Cook over a charcoal briquette until warm and serve immediately.

Serves 23 Okies.

3. King of the Road Kasserole

Stir together two potatoes, a turnip, half a squirrel, and a handful of collards. Pour over one pound minced gravel and slowly mix in one cup ketchup. Allow mixture to ferment until pungent. Accompany with an unoaked turpentine.

Serves 14 hoboes.

4. Soylent Soufflé

Soak one large corpse in water overnight to remove impurities. Drain and blot dry with 401(k) statements. Roll in a breading mix of Malt-O-Meal and hooch. Cook under a hot magnifying glass until edible.

Serves a boy and his dog.

5. Black Monday Macaroons

Boil two gallons water. Stir in one teaspoon flour, a photograph of a coconut, and three cups school grade paste. While still warm, form into macaroon shapes. Dust lightly with grit and store in a damp, cool place until serving.

Serves 6 widows or 14 orphans.