Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Amen

My nomination is still wrapped in its electoral placenta and I've already been called a moosamentalist. Well, so be it. I've been called worse. Thank God for the presumption of innocence.

Nevertheless, bigotry hasn't died yet and there's nothing I hate more than bigots, except perhaps the Dutch. In the hope that greater understanding will lead to greater tolerance, I set forth some of the key passages from the New Saskatoon Testament and Taxidermy Guide.

1. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was Bird.

2. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from moose, made he a barbecue, and brought it unto the dinner table.

3. And the calf grew, and she brought him to Pharaoh's daughter, and he became her pet. And she called his name Mooses.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's peat.

5. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Moose, that whosoever eateth of him should not perish, but have everlasting meat.

6. And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a moose rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten antlers, and upon his antlers Mardi Gras beads, and upon his heads the name of Molson.

7. And when he had taken the five moose and the two elk, he looked up to heaven, and blessed, and brake the moose, and gave them to his disciples to set before them; and the two elk divided he among them all.

8. And he said, Take now thy moose, thine only moose Bullwinkle, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Canadia; and offer him there for a delicious stew upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

9. So when they continued asking him, he reared on his hind legs, and said unto them, Let's get it on.

10. Our moose which art in swamp, Tasty be thy name.

Thy forest come, Thy will be done, on grills as you are in ovens.

Give us this day our daily meat.

And forgive us our obesity, as we forgive those who ply us with food.

And lead us not into the produce section, but deliver us from vegetables: For thine is the breakfast, and the lunch, and the dinner, for ever. Amen.

8 comments:

Kathleen said...

Hail Snag, Full of Grease. The Moose is with Thee.

rotten mcdonald said...

Sorry, I'm an ate-eist. I don't believe in Moose-divinity, I just eat 'em. I see it all as an irrational moose-conception.

Righteous Bubba said...

Speaking as a single-issue voter I would like to see persecution of multi-issue voters.

rotten mcdonald said...

Speaking as a multi-issue voter the only thing I care about is that single issue voters be trampled by moose.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

OMG. This is one of your best posts evah.

Kathleen said...

Speaking as a multi-celled organism, I support the candidate that promotes my interests over the single-celled.

Jennifer said...

You've reached moose nirvana, Snag.

almostinfamous said...

amoose!