Parent Of The Year, Part 6

My youngest son's homework assignment last night was to fill in the blanks on a sheet entitled Rules For Riding on the School Bus. He doesn't ride the bus, having been a walker since '03. (We learned a lot that year, especially about crisis counseling and restraining orders.) Nevertheless, the school gave him the assignment along with the rest of his class. Anything to help him feel normal, I guess.

In any event, being a doting father, I offered to help him with it. He yelped with enthusiasm and after I chased him down and wrestled him back into the house, we settled in with a couple of pencils and our nightly snack of popcorn and bourbon. Our answers are in bold.

1. Every morning your bus runs a/an extraterrestrial route, so you must be sure that you arrive at your local haberdashery early.

2. While waiting, do not yodel in the middle of the street. You might get run over by a/an angry emu.

3. When you see the bus, wave your prehensile tail.

4. Before boarding, make sure you have all of your stolen books and your lunch meats.

5. When you board the bus, do not push or jostle any of the smaller beetles. Go to the nearest empty seat and hibernate.

6. Do not talk to the voices in your head while the bus is in motion.

7. Do not throw feces at the other students.

8. Instead of wasting time by breathing, use the trip to study your friend's exoskeleton.

9. Follow these rules and you will have a/an newsworthy ride and arrive shackled at your well-guarded school.

I found the assignment on the kitchen counter this morning after he'd left for school. He must have forgotten it. I'll bring it to him at school this afternoon so he gets full credit.