Bon Appétit, Volume 7 - Poutine On The Ritz

Who doesn't love a good poutine? Besides the terrorists, of course. The rest of us know that any dish containing 33 grams of fat can't help but be good.

Even better than a routine poutine, however, are the variations I've come up with over the years. As you'd expect of a man of my refined tastes, I've scoured the world for the most exotic and delectable variations. Let's take a little tour.

1. Yarbled Poutine

Marinate one sack of lean yarbles in oleo for at least 17 minutes. Remove, reserving oleo. Cook two pounds frozen french fries. Top fries with yarbles and stir in oleo. Serves 2.

2. Poutine a L'orange

Purée the rinds of three dozen blood oranges (if oranges are unavailable, plain blood may be substituted). Stir in two teaspoons of macerated granite. Simmer over medium heat until granite liquefies. Cook two pounds frozen french fries. Top fries with sauce. Serves 8.

3. Roast Poutine

Trim fat from one large grain fed poutine. Boil poutine until well-roasted, approximately two hours. Remove from heat and allow to cool. Meanwhile, cook two pounds frozen french fries. When poutine has cooled to room temperature, thinly slice and spoon over fries. Serves 6.75.

4. Poutine Møusse

Using corn and eight pound test fishing line, trap two small møøse. De-antler and whip until creamy. Set aside. Prepare three gallons of hazelnut bouillabaisse and stir in two pounds french fries. Top with whipped møøse. Serves 1 Canadiadian.

5. Poutini

Chill one bottle Yukon Jack in freezer overnight. Pour fifteen ounces of chilled liqueur into a large beer mug. Add four ounces brown gravy and one medium-rare liver. Shake until thoroughly mixed and garnish with a french fry.