I've Got Your Maple Leaf Right Here

Hey everybody, I'm back! Things seem to have been quiet, no broken furniture, no missing jewelry. . . . . Hey, wait a second! Who broke my Romantics CD? And where'd these entrails come from? Billy! Billy Pilgrim, get down here right now! Damn kids. You'd think at least Jennifer and Kathleen would know better.

It seems I won't be playing with SpiralFrog after I'm done cleaning up this mess, since, as Fish points out, I would be required to buy a new MP3 player, which would be stupid, even for me. So be it. Art is a waste of time, a conclusion I reached during the 72 hours I recently spent in monk-like isolation. Except for the other people. And the liquor. And the møøse.

Having traveled hundreds of miles by autocar and flotilla, only to pass through the walleye curtain that is the Canuckistan border, I found myself marooned on an island, with not even a Mrs. Howell to break the monotony. I had no survival gear besides my wits, several changes of clothes, a comfortable queen-size bed, a decent if not great novel, and a lodge with a well-stocked bar.

At times, it was touch-and-go. Should we have another beer or switch to bourbon? Fish for breakfast; what sort of madness lives here? But survive we did, somehow, miraculously. It wasn't pretty, and there are many men who would have run screaming for home long before I did, but they have neither my fortitude nor my children. We managed. Nay, we thrived!

Or so I thought. This morning, returning home through the vast tundra that makes up the "country" (i.e. suburb) to our north, I saw two men walking (or were they lurking?) in a field. Were they farmers? Møøse hunters? Terrorists? We will never know, for when this darkening cloudy threat to national security was brought to the attention of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the only response was a puzzled expression and a rude inquisition regarding our treatment history. Is it any surprise we celebrated with a resounding chorus of, "Suck it, Canada!" when we finally escaped?

God bless the U S of A!!!

UPDATE: Hell hath no fury.