Back To School

School starts tomorrow and that means it's time to fill out the parent questionnaire for my youngest. The teachers don't bother to ask about the older ones anymore. Either they've given up or my family's reputation precedes them. In any event, my Lovely Bride, in a moment of incredibly poor judgment, asked me to take care of it. So, here we are.

1. What do you feel are your child's academic and social strengths?

N/A.

2. What special interests or abilities does your child have?

He's a gifted complainer and victim. His interests include being uncooperative and identifying my failings as a parent.

3. How would you describe your child's personality?

Irritating.

4. How does your child respond to directions from you?

With rage and contempt.

5. How does he/she respond when he/she is disappointed or angry?

He is always disappointed and angry.

6. How does your child handle responsibilities and/or chores?

He doesn't.

7. Have there been any major changes during the last year which might affect your child's school performance.

He had a new head plate installed and we've increased the amount of lead and mercury in his diet. In addition, his mother shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

8. What do you feel is the most important thing the school can do for your child?

Water and fertilize him.

9. Are you interested in volunteering in the classroom?

That's not really a question you want to ask our family.

10. Do you have any special interests/hobbies that you would like to share with our class?

I like to collect and paint roadkill when I am not practicing my exotic dancing. His mother is an avid drinker.

11. Is there any other information you wish to share with me to help me understand the best way to meet your child's needs?

A Taurus, he enjoys sunsets, long walks on the beach, and waffles. On weekends he likes to solder. He hopes to have his voting rights restored when he grows up.