Sunday, August 17, 2014

Dragon Lady

"Please tell me that's not real," I said.

"Of course it is," said my mother. "Feel it."

I shuddered and waved her away. "Maybe you really do have dementia."

My mother glared at me. "Can you please make him shut up?" she asked the Lovely Bride.

"I wish," said the Lovely Bride. "He's just like that. It's genetic."

"Thank God he's adopted," said my mother. "I'd hate to think I'm responsible for him."

"Yes, thank God I'm adopted," I said. "At least there's a chance I won't act like a lunatic when I'm your age."

"Is it always like this on Sunday mornings?" my sister asked my oldest. She'd come along to see this.

"Pretty much," said the oldest.

"I see why you went to Miami," my sister told him.

He shrugged. "You get used to it after a while."

"Stockholm Syndrome," said the Lovely Bride.

"Hey, we're kind of getting off the point here," I said. "Specifically, what the hell is wrong with her?"

"I think it's nice," beamed my mother.

"No, 'nice' would be a new hairdo. This is nuts."

"Stop overreacting," she said. "My friends think it's interesting."

"Then it's time to find new friends."

"You're not really one to be criticizing someone else's choice in friends," said the Lovely Bride.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

"Let's just say your friends don't always make good choices."

"He was like that growing up," my mother mused. She brightened. "Oh well, at least he never got arrested. That's a small miracle in itself."

My oldest looked up with interest. "Why do you say that?" he asked.

"Can we focus on the issue?" I interjected before things got further out of hand. "What in God's name were you thinking?"

"I'm eighty-one. I can do what I want."

"So you want to be a carny?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Sorry, my mistake," I said. "I meant a biker chick."

"Well," said my mother, getting up, "I've had enough of you for one day. I am going to drop your sister at home and then I am going to a movie."

"What are you going to see," I asked. "'Caged Heat?'"

"If I had known he'd be this upset, I would have done it years ago," said my mother.

"What did you do, Grandma?" asked the middle kid as he came through the front door.

My mother held out her arm. My son gaped at the green dragon tattoo coiled around her elbow. "Do you like it?" she asked.

"You're the coolest lady ever," he finally said, shaking his head in wonder.

"Thank you," she told him. "I'll see you next Sunday. Have a good week." She turned and smirked at me.  "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

"Let's just say your friends don't always make good choices."


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Now I want a tattoo.

Pinko Punko said...

Oh my glob

fish said...

Hey, do you think I can get your mother's phone number?

Snag said...

As one of my co-workers pointed out, at least it'll help scare off the protesters at the abortion clinic.

Jennifer said...

"Let's just say your friends don't always make good choices."

After taking the tour of "Places where Snag and his friends smoked"... I might have to agree with her.

I think the tattoo sounds awesome.

Smut Clyde said...

Why you no have Blue Oyster Cult tag?

Chuckles said...

Your mother wins the Mother Off.

Vonnie said...

Love this story. So much.