Friday, July 6, 2012

The World's Smallest Violin

"Where are you going to be using these?" asked the saleswoman as my middle son tried on a pair of indoor soccer shoes.

"I have to go play soccer in Costa Rica," he replied.

"You have to?" she asked.

"For the love of God," I sputtered. "You'd think you were going to the gulag."

"You didn't remind me it was the rainy season when I picked the trip," he said.

"Please kill me," I asked the saleswoman. She gave me a nervous grin and sidled away.

The boy and I were shopping for the two week trip to Costa Rica his grandmother was sending him on. She's promised to send all her grandchildren anywhere they want to go between their junior and senior years in high school. What do I get? The joy of knowing the lives of my children are infinitely better than mine.

"You do realize that nobody in the world feels sorry for you?" I asked my son.

"Wait until they find out I have to wear hippie sandals."

"They're not hippie sandals. They're ungodly expensive Tevas that we bought for whitewater rafting on the Pacuare River. This is the most expensive free trip in history."

"They make me look like a hippie."

"Are you on crack?" I asked him. "Seriously. Let's have a 'Go Ask Alice' talk right now."

"Alice was a hippie too."

"Or is it meth?" I asked.

"It's like those people in the movie 'Hair.' They should get a job instead of hanging out in a park."

"You're still mad at a bunch of fictional characters from a movie you saw ten years ago?"

"You're the one who's always telling me I need to work harder," he reminded me.

My headache was coming back, to the extent it ever leaves.

"Can we buy these shoes and get out of here?" I begged. "We have more shopping left."

"What else do I need?" he asked.

"A backpack," I said. "And some patchouli. And I have to go to the liquor store."

"You didn't tell me we were going to the liquor store."

"That's because I didn't need to go until now."

"I should have let Mom bring me shopping."

"I should have let Mom raise you by herself," I said.

"At least you can't annoy me when I'm in Costa Rica," he said.

Mission accomplished, I thought.


Smut Clyde said...

"I should have let Mom bring me shopping."

She always forgets to stock up on beer.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I wish I had gotten to go to Costa Rica!!


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

All of your lives are better than mine was, so just get off my lawn.

Substance McGravitas said...

Are you taking applications to be your child? I will then finally go back to high school.

mikey said...

I find myself wondering in wonderment.

Do they call it 'Costa Rica' because it has a Costa Brake? If so, does that then inform us that it is in Costa Rica that we would find 'Greasy Lake'? It is, after all, just a mile out on the dark side of Route 88. I assume that's in San Jose.

Interestingly, the Costa Rican national motto is "Pura Vida" which apparently means "Full of Life". Here at mikeyHQ, our motto is "Full of Shit". We're like sister cities or something.

Does the US have a national motto? 'Cause I'd like to suggest "Give me money or I'll kill you". It just seems to fit...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I think the US motto is also "Full of Shit". No one can say that you are not a man of your environment, mikey.

fish said...

Stand in line Sub. I applied to be snag's kid years ago (really his mom's grandkid).

I recommend he go to Arenal, Monte Verde, and Manuel Antonio which was perhaps the most ridiculously beautiful beach I have ever seen.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

who is this fish person?

fish said...

Person fish.