Friday, December 9, 2011

Ball Of Fire

"Hey, ma," I said when my mother answered the phone.

"Hello," she replied. "I thought you were in Orlando."

"These modern phones work across state lines," I said.

"You don't need to be sarcastic," she said. "I was simply wondering why you'd call me when you're away on business."

"Maybe it's because I know you enjoy our conversations so much," I said. "What with you being in your dotage and all."

"You're not making any sense, although I'm used to that," she said. "But I'm still not clear why you're calling me from Florida."

"I'm not in Florida," I said. "I just got back."

"Weren't you supposed to get back tomorrow?"

"My meeting ended early and I wanted to get home because I missed my family so much."

"I'm sure they felt the same way," said my mother.

"Now you're being sarcastic," I said.

"Do you have anything worthwhile to say or are you intentionally wasting my time?"

"I'm driving. I'm bored," I said.

"Can't you find someone else to bother?" she asked. "Although I'd imagine most people have even less interest in talking to you than I do."

"You're being hurtful again," I whined. "I was calling to see what you're doing this weekend."

"Well, I wish it wasn't going to be so cold tomorrow. I'll be outside much of the day."

"Why's that?" I asked. "Did you get evicted? Serves you right for being unemployed."

"I'm not unemployed, I'm retired. And I did not get evicted. I'm going to be working at the clinic."

"What the hell are you talking about? What clinic?"

"The abortion clinic. I volunteered to be an escort one day a month."

"A what?"

"An escort. I'm going to help the women get from their cars to the clinic."

"You're going to what?"

"I'll be keeping the protesters away from the patients and making sure there's a clear path into the building."

"Huh," I said. "I have to admit, I'm speechless."

"Then it's already been a success," she said.

"Hilarious," I said. "What if the protesters come after you?"

"They wouldn't dare," said my mother.

Not if they know what's good for them, I thought.


Jennifer said...

Now this is something that truly is awesome... 100%, absolutely, positively awesome.

fish said...

Now we know why everyone thinks snag's mom is so much cooler than snag.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Good for Mom! Tell her the zombie approves, and that I said you deserve a small glass of bourbon for supporting her.

Snag said...


Well, there goes my concentration for the day. I might as well pack up shop.

Jennifer said...

Not to detract from the awesomeness of this post, although you're already talking about bourbon...

I have a question. Why does it seem if you send a male in to get dip, he'll often get bean dip?? Sure, I like bean dip, but not with everything... and not with potato chips. Why do men have to buy bean dip?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

don't send men to get dip.

ALL men, or ONE SPECIFIC man?

Myself, I never buy bean dip.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

...I usually get distracted by the bourbon.

Jennifer said...

No, not all men, and not one specific man, although Grizzled is guilty of being a bean dip purchaser... which is why the question came up. I was reading the comments, EL came in and asked if we had any dip other than Dad's ancient collection of bean dip that no one wants. :)

I then thought of various b-i-l's, friends, etc, who buy bean dip if you ask them to get dip.

Jennifer said...

But back to the point of this post... Snag, again, I think it's just awesome what your mother is doing. Go Ma! I hope she's safe.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I think Snag needs to ask his mother about bean dip. THEN we could get an authoritative answer.

Snag, I am willing to teach your mom some simple joint locks to help her deal with the anti-woman brigade. Provided she promise not to use them on you.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Seconding everything!

Snag's mom is awesome.

Don't send men to get dip.

P.S. Try calling it something else, like salsa, or onion-sour cream spread, or some such.

Smut Clyde said...

Does sheep dip count?

Snag said...

I have a Sheep Dip story that involves New Year's Eve, a bathtub, and a hilarious series of wacky misadventures. Unfortunately, the statute of limitations has not yet run.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I hope that story ends with Romantics CDs being busted, Snag.

Hamish Mack said...

Ze male zinks, "Oh I am being zent out to get dip. Zis is unfair. I do not wish to complain zince this vill lead to talking and explaining. I vill buy zings that no one vill eat. Oooh is that Bourbon?"
Very interestink.

Yo Snagmom, righteous.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I might as well pack up shop.

If you ran your own shop, you might have bourbons as Office Supplies, and you wouldn't have to pack up.

It just seems to me that it would be a blood pressure reducing strategy, Rick.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

You know, the response of a liberal zombie would have been to meet her out there.

With your spawn.

I will take it as read that that is what happened, and we will not discuss it further.

Substance McGravitas said...

Men like well aged single malts and also things that have long been dip.

Pinko Punko said...

That is original badass. That is featured verse on a battle rap badass. Well done mama Snag

Smut Clyde said...

Men like well aged single malts

And yet I devote much of my time and income to stopping them from aging any further. Life is full of these little paradoxes.

Vonnie said...

LOVE your mom!

Kathleen said...

go Snag's mom!
also, we need a Snag 2.0 ABC food story from snag. B can be for Bean dip instead of Bourbon to preserve his artistic focus.