Monday, September 26, 2011


"What are you doing?" the Lovely Bride asked suspiciously.

"Looking at recipes," I replied.

"Let me be more specific," she said. "What are you doing looking at recipes that call for three large squirrels?"

"Brunswick stew, baby. You'll love it."

"You're not really going to use squirrels, are you?"

"I wish," I said. "None of the groceries around here carry them. I checked."

"Thank God," she said.

"Of course, we do have that air rifle...." I mused.

"I'll help!" my youngest shouted from downstairs.

"You're not cooking with squirrels and you're not killing them in our backyard."

"Commie vegan," I muttered.

"A vegan lifestyle would be good for you," she said.

"That's crazy talk," I said.

"Your doctor told you two days ago your cholesterol was higher than it should be."

"He also refused to prescribe bourbon for me. He's clearly incompetent."

"Please tell me you didn't ask him for a prescription for alcohol," she said.

"He thought it was funny," I said.

"Don't you realize that stuff is going to end up in your medical records if you're not careful?"

"Good," I said. "It'll cover up the copy he made of the note you forced me to bring."

"You were the one who refused to let me come to your appointment with you," she said.

"I'm not six, for God's sake. I can go to a doctor appointment by myself."

"Then why did you forget to ask him about a referral to an allergist?"

"I got distracted. We were talking about other stuff."

"Like what?"

"Grouse hunting. And health care reform. And whether it's okay to threaten to hit your kids if you don't actually do it."

"What a helpful way to spend your annual check up," she said. "That's why I gave you a note with a list of things to ask him."

"Fine," I said. "But it was really embarrassing when I told him I needed his signature."

"If I hadn't required his signature, would you have shown it to him?"

"That's not the point," I said.

"What is your point?" she asked.

"I don't remember. You clouded my mind with your juju."

"How can you tell?" she smirked.

"Give me some sugar," I said and smooched her.

"What is wrong with you?" she giggled.

"You knew I was squirrelly when you married me," I said.


Jennifer said...

I will confess to having once had squirrel stew.


You're not missing anything, Snag, and it haunts me to this day. GACK!

Mandos said...

Is squirrel stew the new wastebasket?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I was just about to say 'ZRM!', and here he is!!!!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

So, zrm...does the prospect of squirrel stew make you more, or less, interested in being adopted by the Snag family?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...


Kathleen said...

LOL requiring his signature was the perfect touch. She's a GENIUS

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Sounds like K is ready to join the Snag family...

high roller said...

Great stuff, Snag! A peek at Bedlam. Keep it coming.

mikey said...

Oh come on. Squirrel's not close to bad. Thing is, you gut 'em and whack 'em in half. The "haunches" is were the decent meat is. Anything in front of the liver is bait. For traps. To catch more squirrels. See how the world turns round and round?

I'm charmed by old doods who still make out with their wives. I'd make out with just about anyone. Even squirrels.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm done here.

Carry on...

Smut Clyde said...

What's really funny is when the cat brings in a ginormous rat, and you package it up in an old supermarket meat tray with a carefully-prepared label calling it a "drainpipe rabbit", then sneak into your brother-in-law's house and leave it in the freezer.

His kids were not amused.

Also they leapt to the conclusion that I was the guilty party, which was a case of unfair stereotyping.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Oh come on. Squirrel's not close to bad.

you never met the rancid, rotten-brained little fucks that were eating my house.

Brando said...

I would go vegan before eating squirrel.

Jennifer said...

Squirrel's not close to bad.

You're right. It wasn't close to bad. It WAS bad. Wine sauce or not...