Thursday, August 20, 2009


"Will you take your niece fishing?" asked my mother.

"What?" I mumbled distractedly. We were at my kitchen table where I was trying to update and clean her computer.

"Your niece would like to go fishing. Will you take her?"

"I guess. Yeah. Sure."

"She'd enjoy that. She loves to watch the fishermen when we walk around the lake near your sister's house. She especially likes the baby catfish."

I looked up from the computer. "Those are bullheads, for God's sake."

"Really? Well, whatever they are, she thinks they're adorable."

"I've never heard a bullhead called adorable before," I said. "I'll get her one as a birthday present. Her parents can keep it in the tub."

"I don't think your sister would find that amusing," said my mother.

"Which is why I would," I said.

"How does my computer look?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Great, if this was the Bronze Age. Have you been watching Asian pornography on it?"

My oldest was at the table with us. He snickered.

"What a ridiculous question," she said.

"I don't know how else you got this much junk on it," I told her.

"I'm careful about opening email," she said defensively.

"Really?" I asked. "Then how did you get suckered into that Nigerian banking scam?"

"I did no such thing."

"Only because you couldn't figure out how to reply to the message," I said.

"I know how to use a computer," she said.

"Which is why I'm sitting at my kitchen table fixing it," I pointed out.

"I thought you liked doing that sort of thing," she said.

"I like it better than dealing with people," I acknowledged.

"So why are you complaining?"

"I like most things better than dealing with people."

"What a terrible way to go through life," she said.

"That's hardly the worst of it."

"For someone so fortunate, you certainly spend a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself," she said.

"The Lovely Bride barely tolerates me, I have three kids, and the Worst Dog Ever is right over there," I said, pointing at the kennel in our entryway.

"For reasons not entirely clear to me, the Lovely Bride does indeed tolerate you. And you are the fortunate father of three charming sons," said my mother.

"Don't forget the Worst Dog Ever," I repeated.

My mother shrugged. "The Lovely Bride told you not to go to the pound."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"You were certain you knew what was best," she said.

"Are you saying I'm stubborn?" I asked.

"Let's call it bullheaded," she replied.


Jennifer said...

Maybe they'll start keeping you in the tub.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

But will they remember to change his water?

Jennifer said...

Maybe they should fill the tub up with bourbon.

fish said...

Will you take me fishing snag? What would that actually mean?

Substance McGravitas said...

The tub is a pretty good place to clean your mom's computer.

I have always had a soft spot for Pat Kenatar.

Kathleen said...

the computer wants some bourbon