Sunday, April 26, 2009


"Dad, get up." My youngest poked at me.

"Go away."

"C'mon, get up."

"I'll kill you. Really. I will. Go bother your mother."

"I called her. She's at work. She said to wake you up."

"What have I done to deserve this?" I asked.

No response. It was a silly question anyway.

"What do you want?" I finally asked.

"Lucy threw up."

"Stupid dog," I said, pulling the pillow over my head. "Where?"

"On the rug."

Of course. "Clean it up," I told him.

"Gross, no," said my kid. "There's half a baby rabbit in it."

That explained last night's frenzied barking.

"Get one of your brothers to take care of it."

"They left for school already."

The only time I want my kids around and they're not. It's a rare blessing, my life is. I struggled out of bed and put on my bathrobe. Went downstairs and poured a cup of coffee. The Miracle Dog had been banished to the deck. When she saw me she jumped up on the sliding door. I gave her the finger.

"She puked under the table," said the boy, pointing and gagging. Sure enough, there it was, baby rabbit and all. I got paper towels and a bag and blotted it up as best as I could, spraying the spot with enough chemical cleaners to poison a normal family. My own should be fine.

I went back upstairs to shower as my kid let her back in the house. By the time I was dressed it was quiet downstairs.

"Where's Lucy?" I asked.

"She was jumping on me so I put her in the kennel," he said.

"That's what we used to do with you when you were naughty," I said.

"Shut up," he said.

"Your crate wasn't as fancy," I said. "And it was in the garage. Still, it worked just fine."

"Shut up," he said again.

"You spent a lot of time there after you ate a mole," I said. "You'd been digging in the garden. We were afraid you were going to throw up, like Lucy did this morning."

"Ick," he said vaguely.

"You're right, it was disgusting. We were very proud of you, though. Moles are hard to catch."

He sighed. "I have to go to school," he said, slipping on his backpack.

"Got science today?" I asked.


"You should bring the rabbit for show and tell."

"That's sick."

"I could put it in a plastic bag. That way it wouldn't leak on your way to school."

He turned a little green and gagged. "Shut up," he said.

"Next time let me sleep," I suggested.


Mendacious D said...

And the moral of the story is: let sleeping Snags lie.

Jennifer said...

One of my dogs once threw up a sparrow on a bed of partially digested dog food. It was an amazing thing to watch... almost like he unhinged his jaw and placed it lovingly before us.

I bet Lucy was doing the same thing, Snag. Don't look gift dogs in the mouth... or do... you might find a rabbit. Maybe Lucy was just trying to do magic tricks. :)

fish said...

Perhaps if you rinsed the rabbit off first, then he could have brought it to school. That was very inconsiderate of you snag.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

HALF a rabbit?

One wonders....

Jennifer said...

Yeah, I think Snag ate the other half, was full, thought he threw away the remaining half, only to have Lucy snag it from the trash...

Or, maybe Lucy was just holding it for a friend.

fish said...

One of my dogs once threw up a sparrow on a bed

Was it an African or European sparrow?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

My cat Whack (I got him when I was in 2nd grade) once brought home a giant rat.

It was still breathing, but otherwise immobile.

I guess it was either a present, or showing off.

Maybe both!

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

I'll see your half a rabbit, Snag and raise you a GIANT, BREATHING RAT!

Don't tell Lucy... she'll try to up the ante again, thus bringing home your next door neighbor. You don't want to find her under your table, do you??

fish- it was a sparrow... not a swallow...but then I really don't even need to know these things since I'm not a king.

fish said...

Whoops. Got my small, tasty birds mixed up.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

what things must a Queen know?

Jennifer said...

Depends on the Queen...

Snag said...

Living poker chips. A marketing dream.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

My favorite is when the cat pukes, and the dog comes on the run when first hearing the retching, interested in seeing whether anything tasty comes out...

Jennifer said...

My favorite is when the cat pukes, and the dog comes on the run when first hearing the retching, interested in seeing whether anything tasty comes out...I view that as serendipitous... anything the dog cleans up, I don't have to.

Righteous Bubba said...

HALF a rabbit?

the back half of them comes off pretty easy while the front half drags itself to safety. And plots revenge.

Kathleen said...

that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Does your family read this blog, Snag?


Snag said...

They don't really need to read it. It's more accurately autobiographical than you might imagine. That doesn't stop them from nitpicking perceived inaccuracies, such as, "Dad, it was more like three quarters of a rabbit."