Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Gender Bender

Jennifer found this blog analyzer that's supposed to determine whether the author is a man or a woman. It says there's a 64% chance I'm a woman. Unless I've forgotten most of my biology, last time I checked, I'm not.

It's also possible to check individual posts so I thought I'd see if I can force a more accurate reading. Let's try.

Sergeant Rock Bottom finished disemboweling the moose.

"Damn, that's a fine rack on that animal. Reminds me of a broad I knew."

His buddy Clint "The Terminator" O'Doul looked up from his video game and laughed. "Everything reminds you of a broad, you horny bastard."

"Fuckin' A," said Rock. "You know what we need now? A football game. A few brewskis. And a shitload of chili dogs."

"Chili dogs? Now you're talking," said Clint. "Let me make a call. I know a stripper who makes a mean chili dog."

Soon enough there was a knock at the door. Rock opened it to find a smoking hot blonde wearing a slinky dress and a smile.

"Hi, boys," she said. "I'm Bambi."

"Last Bambi I met ended up at the butcher," Rock guffawed. "A 30.06 will do that. Want some venison?"

"You're cute," she said. "Where's Clint?"

"Hey, douchebag," Rock yelled to his friend. "Your lady friend's here."

"She bring the chili dogs?" Clint yelled back.

"Did you?" Rock asked Bambi.

"They're in the car."

"Yeah? What do you drive?"

"A Ferrari Testarossa. The gas mileage sucks but it blows the doors off anything Detroit ever built."

"I think I'm in love," said Rock.

"Save it for someone who cares, asshole," Bambi replied. "Now get me a drink."

"Bourbon okay?"

"Damn straight."

This wasn't meant to be a night for drinking, though. It was going to be a night for fighting.

"What the hell was that noise?" asked Clint.

"Heavy artillery," said Rock. "Howitzers. Lots of them." He grabbed his M-16, stuffed a couple grenades in his pocket, and ran out the door, with a quick salute for Bambi.

"What am I supposed to do with the chili dogs now?" she asked Clint.

"Save 'em, baby. It's going to be a long cold winter. The enemy's on the march."

"Bastards," said Bambi.

"You got that right," said Clint. "Now gimme some sugar."

UPDATE: It says there's a 75% chance this post was written by a woman. Okely-dokely.


Anonymous said...

You're just forcing it. I think the correct punctuation and the stiffness of the prose. I mean the gender analyzer can tell the difference between a true love of chili dogs and a fake one.

Alternatively, you could have tried the C word, but it might not have helped, Ms. Snag (everyone else things Ms. stands for Møøse)

Mendacious D said...

I only got 70...

Snag said...

I thought about using the "C" word, but I don't feel like sleeping in the garage tonight. I wish there was a way to test a draft. Then I could experiment without publishing 150 versions of the thing.

Interesting that Men D only got a 70. I got a 74 when I retested it. I wonder if the comments are affecting the score. Schrödinger's Blog? I'll have to check again after posting this comment.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

It says there's a 64% chance I'm a woman. Unless I've forgotten most of my biology, last time I checked, I'm not.

It's nice to see s a guy try to get in touch with his feminine nature, but Snag, you have to get beyond this denial.

It's all well and good to write about love of family, raising kids, and football games, but until you lose your fear of wearing pretty things, you're only going to be hurting yourself.

Dude. we're here for you. Open up.

Unless you wanna hug. Cuz I'll kick your ass if you try to hug me.

Jennifer said...

Snag? Did you pee on your computer before writing this post?? That might have done it.

Jennifer said...

Oh! Nice! I just tried mine again it said that it could only analyze blogs written in English! Yeah... I know my grammar has gotten lax, my punctuation needs some work, but really?? What are they going to comment on next?

Vercingetorix said...

Grave concern. I'm "going through the change." I'm at 52% male, which puts me just over the line separating reason from emotion, but my last four posts are all strongly female, something like: 66%, 68%, 69% and 66%. Even a long quotation from The Life of Brian could not bring me into the male zone. Maybe its the effect of that new Manolo Blahnik manbag that I purchased last month.

Anonymous said...

Oh! Nice! I just tried mine again it said that it could only analyze blogs written in English!


Vercingetorix said...

Here's another great internet test: http://www.politicalcompass.org/

Snag said...

Thanks Vercingetorix. I end up about where I'd have guessed, right in the middle of the left/libertarian box. A free-love socialist.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I'm wayyyyy lefter-libertarianer than you Snag. didn't pin that corner tho.

more libertarian than Gandhi and Mandela, more lefty than the Dalai Lama.

I'm an anarcho-free love-legalizationist punk-music zombie.

fish said...

but I don't feel like sleeping in the garage tonight.

And yet you scored high on the feminine scale. Huh.

I also think the use of the word "slinky" tipped your hand.

Should have used "slutty."

Vercingetorix said...

I landed right on the crosshairs. Mr. Personality.

Mr. Middlebrow said...

A little advertising of your professional wares might help.

fish said...

Apparently I am further to the left and more libertarian than Ghandi.

Jennifer said...

I'm right in the middle of the left/libertarian box as well, but it still says I'm a man...

Anonymous said...

Marry me, K.?!!

Brando said...

So this post is really a beard for Snag's true gender?

Righteous Bubba said...

I am 47% manly. The accuracy of that thing is spooky.

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