Friday, October 26, 2007

Bon Appétit, Volume 6 - The Candy Man

With Halloween quickly approaching, my children are consumed by only one thought: Arson. To distract them, I have decided to prepare our Halloween treats the old-fashioned way, at home, instead of buying a bag of factory foulness from the local Crapatorium. Here are some of the recipes we'll be using to stay the toast of the neighborhood!

1. Moosie Pops

Carefully trim fat from 1 ounce fresh moose. Sauté until medium rare. Heat three Hall's Mentholyptus Cough Drops until softened. Form cough drops around moose meat. Insert stick and allow to cool. Makes 1 serving.

2. Malted Milk Balls

Coat one 24-ounce package medium-sized balls in yeast. Truss and allow to rise. Microwave on high until balls explode, approximately 4 minutes. Scrape ball pieces into baking dish and dot with 50/50 mixture of margarine and malt. Cook in 300 degree oven until mixture has consistency of asphalt. Form into cubes and serve with crema espesa. Makes 4 servings.

3. Rolled Sugar

Sprinkle rolls with sugar. Eat. Serves 6 1/2.

4. Hard Crack Candy

Purchase one ounce food-grade crack. Cut into eight ball sized servings, reserving lidocaine for future use. Melt two pounds chocolate (60% cacao content) over doubleboiler. Stir in crack and remove from heat. Allow to harden. When arrested, trade name of dealer to police for $50 bill. Use money to buy caramel corn. Serves 3 to 5.

5. Polecat Nougat

Trap one large polecat. Massage gently to extract 3 tbsps. musk. Combine musk with four cups honey, one cup dry mustard, and a tsp. of flounder. Mix on low speed until thoroughly blended. Serve warm over rice or gravel.


Righteous Bubba said...

You might perhaps be interested in a candy delivery system I have developed especially for Hallowe'en, the gist of which is that it delivers candy to the little dears before they're in TPing egging or soaping range at 4000 feet per second. You kinda have to brace your shoulder doing it because there's a bit of a kick involved, but let me know and you'll get one free: my other test houses seem to be bailing out.

Anonymous said...

No malted moose balls?

Anonymous said...

Happy Halloween!

fish said...

I have been wondering what to do with that polecat I keep trapped in my basement.

Anonymous said...

That musky polecat, fish.

Kathleen said...

I can't wait until you start seeing what google searches land on this post.

Snag said...

Righteous, you stop by anytime with that. We'll sit out on the front porch and practice being curmudgeons.

Kathleen, I can't wait to see what police searches land on my house.