I Got Your War on Christmas Right Here

Peace on earth, everybody.

JewFest '06

Sing the body electric.

Pastrami!

Corned beef!

Matzo balls!

Chopped liver!

Bring it on home. Oh yeah, baby, bring it on home.

Reasons for Living

1. Talladega Nights is out on DVD.

2. Pastrami. Sweet, sweet pastrami.

3. The suicide clause in my life insurance policy.

4. Powerball. It's not just a lottery ticket. It's hope.

5. Beer.

6. A Republican minority.

7. Little League baseball.

8. Beer.

9. If there's an afterlife, that's not necessarily a good thing for me.

10. Lists.

And I believe that God believes in Claude

You watch the news, have a couple of drinks, next thing it’s “Sweet Mother of God, what’s happening to us?" But time spins on merrily and who knows? No Sweet Mother, no nothing. Just us.

But, you can still get a damn fine Chicago-style hot dog. That's pretty good.

Enemies

I’ve always thought a good way to begin a new venture is by compiling an enemies list. Here’s an excerpt from mine:

1. Corsetiers. I don’t trust ‘em. Never have, never will.

2. Serial killers. I’m willing to go public with this one, that’s how strongly I feel.

3. Penguins. Specifically crested penguins. Little bastards.

4. All those Yellow Pages™ wannabees.

5. Baby Spice. She looks innocent, sure, but she’s the Yoko Ono of the Spice Girls. I can’t forgive her for that.

6. Boys named Sue. Enough said.

7. Ann Coulter. You stole my heart Annie, and that's what really hurts.

8. This guy in the towel aisle at Target.

9. Marmaduke. Garfield could kick his ass.

10. Neocons.

The Primordial Ooze

Good evening, ladies and germs!