Succubus

"According to the vet, Lucy is special," said the Lovely Bride.

The Worst Dog Ever™ had her checkup today. Two hundred fifty six dollars. So much for retirement.

"She's not special, she's horrible," I said.

Lucy responded by gumming my arm.

"You're horrible," my youngest told me.

"Big talk for someone who's basically a human tick," I replied.

"Why would you say something like that?" asked the Lovely Bride.

"He latched onto us at birth and won't let go until we're dead or out of money," I said. "Maybe I should smear him with Vaseline."

"Can I go golfing?" he asked, changing the subject.

"That would require money and friends. You don't have either."

"I'll call some of the guys from the baseball team."

"They're not going to give you money," I said.

"No, I'm going to ask them if they want to go golfing with me."

"Then you still won't have any money."

"You can give me some," he said in a tone that clearly wondered how I could miss such an obvious solution.

"Why would I pay for you to go golfing?" I asked him.

"Because you bought me new clubs last week," he answered.

Which I had, because he'd outgrown his old set and a nearby golf store was having a going out of business sale. Needless to say, the purchase had sent his two older brothers into a rage.

"So, because I spent money on you, now I have to spend more money on you?"

"Right," he said.

"How does that make sense?"

"It's a waste of money to buy golf clubs and not use them."

"That would be true if they were idle capital equipment and there was a market for what they could produce," I said.

He stared blankly at me for a minute. "Does that mean you'll give me some money?" he finally asked.

"What have you done to earn it?" I asked.

"I went to the vet with mom," he said.

"That must have been a big help," I said. The Lovely Bride rolled her eyes behind his back.

"It was," said the boy.

"I suppose having you there gave the vet something for comparison when she checked for parasites," I smirked.

"Shut up," he said. "Lucy was glad I was there." Lucy wagged her tail and gummed his arm.

"If I let him go golfing, will you stop destroying everything we own?" I asked her. She let go of his arm and grabbed mine.

"So can I?" he asked.

"I can't reach my wallet when she's chewing on me," I said.

"Come here, Lucy," he said. For the first time in her life, she obeyed a command, dropping my arm and going to him.

"What a horrible animal," I said.