Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Succubus

"According to the vet, Lucy is special," said the Lovely Bride.

The Worst Dog Ever™ had her checkup today. Two hundred fifty six dollars. So much for retirement.

"She's not special, she's horrible," I said.

Lucy responded by gumming my arm.

"You're horrible," my youngest told me.

"Big talk for someone who's basically a human tick," I replied.

"Why would you say something like that?" asked the Lovely Bride.

"He latched onto us at birth and won't let go until we're dead or out of money," I said. "Maybe I should smear him with Vaseline."

"Can I go golfing?" he asked, changing the subject.

"That would require money and friends. You don't have either."

"I'll call some of the guys from the baseball team."

"They're not going to give you money," I said.

"No, I'm going to ask them if they want to go golfing with me."

"Then you still won't have any money."

"You can give me some," he said in a tone that clearly wondered how I could miss such an obvious solution.

"Why would I pay for you to go golfing?" I asked him.

"Because you bought me new clubs last week," he answered.

Which I had, because he'd outgrown his old set and a nearby golf store was having a going out of business sale. Needless to say, the purchase had sent his two older brothers into a rage.

"So, because I spent money on you, now I have to spend more money on you?"

"Right," he said.

"How does that make sense?"

"It's a waste of money to buy golf clubs and not use them."

"That would be true if they were idle capital equipment and there was a market for what they could produce," I said.

He stared blankly at me for a minute. "Does that mean you'll give me some money?" he finally asked.

"What have you done to earn it?" I asked.

"I went to the vet with mom," he said.

"That must have been a big help," I said. The Lovely Bride rolled her eyes behind his back.

"It was," said the boy.

"I suppose having you there gave the vet something for comparison when she checked for parasites," I smirked.

"Shut up," he said. "Lucy was glad I was there." Lucy wagged her tail and gummed his arm.

"If I let him go golfing, will you stop destroying everything we own?" I asked her. She let go of his arm and grabbed mine.

"So can I?" he asked.

"I can't reach my wallet when she's chewing on me," I said.

"Come here, Lucy," he said. For the first time in her life, she obeyed a command, dropping my arm and going to him.

"What a horrible animal," I said.

8 comments:

Jennifer said...

Human tick??

I can feel the love, Snag! I say you blow them all off and join us this weekend... our dogs will be happy to gum your arm for you.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

we can even arrange for an emergency back up Lucy.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Snagging snag.
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

A human Tick?

Spoon? Spoon!

Hapi said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

fish said...

Lucy takes the special bus to obedience school.

Kathleen said...

dude Hapi didn't even offer to bookmark your blog! ouch

high roller said...

Bless the beasts and the children. I think your boys would enjoy polo.