Monday, July 20, 2009

Overthrow

"What are you going to bring me as a souvenir?" I demanded.

"What would you like?" asked my mother. She'd just finished describing her upcoming trip, a jaunt through Czechoslovakia, Hungary, and Austria.

"A Gypsy," I said. "And some Vienna sausages."

She blinked several times without speaking.

"I could have asked for a bounced Czech," I offered.

My mother turned to the Lovely Bride and said, "He's in fine form."

"It's better than yesterday," said the Lovely Bride.

"Oh Lord, what did he do?" asked my mother.

Saturday wasn't that bad. We were at the baseball game, watching my youngest play shortstop, when he threw a ball over the third baseman's head.

"Aargh!" I choked out, pounding my leg.

"He's doing his best," the Lovely Bride said.

"I'm doing my best not to scream."

"Leave him alone."

"He's on an all star team. He can play better than that."

"Stop it."

I turned to a couple of dads sitting nearby. "If women ruled the world, we'd all feel good about being failures."

Silence, amplified by the look I was getting from the Lovely Bride and several other women.

"I think I'm going to stay out of this one," said one father.

"Me too," said another.

"Thanks," I told them.
My mother took a moment to digest the story. "Did he really say that?" she finally asked.

"Yes he did," the Lovely Bride told her.

"I certainly hope you set him straight."

"Yes I did," said the Lovely Bride.

"Thank you," said my mother. "I obviously failed at raising him and I don't feel good at all about that."

"You did your best," said the Lovely Bride.

"Yes I did," said my mother.

24 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

YOU TELL EM, SNAG!!!
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"I could have asked for a bounced Czech," I offered.


I'm calling shenanigans. That was stolen from AG, over at the Empire. OMBUDMOOSE!!

"If women ruled the world, we'd all feel good about being failures."

Obviously, you've never met the women in my wife's family.

Snag said...

AG had a bounced Czech joke? I'd have thought she was classier than that.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

OK, it was an abortion joke, and the punchline was canceled czech...

So, very classy. At least as classy as we get at the Empire.

Also, you obviously haven't been paying attention.

Also, I've been taunting AG at every blog in the neighborhood, so expect teh Wrath to descend any moment....

And such as.

Snag said...

I read blogs late at night when I'm half sober at best. In the morning, when I wake up on the floor covered with a dog blanket, how could I be expected to remember them?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"I read blogs late at night when I'm half sober at worst. In the morning, when I wake up on the floor covered with dog Vomit, how could I be expected to give a rat's ass about them?"

My mind insisted on reading it that way.

Now, I'm off to have a pork snorkel with Zelmo and start drinking.

Kathleen said...

I don't think you're going to be getting the dog blanket treatment after that crack!!!

Jennifer said...

I just took our new pooch to the vet today to be neutered... I'm guessing he's realizing right about now that a woman is indeed ruling his world.

As for feeling good about failure... I'm guessing he's not feeling too good about anything right now.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

did you get him a set of Neuticles?

Substance McGravitas said...

These posts in which I am invited to contemplate failure really cheer me up.

Jennifer said...

No! I did not get him Neuticles! I didn't even know there was such a thing. Our other dog's self-esteem has not suffered since his were snipped... Hmmm, I see they were invented by a man. I guess that explains it all.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Snag's right though. The throw from shortstop to third shouldn't be a problem. I believe an "arrgghh" is appropriate at that point.

However, had I been sitting in the stands next to Mrs Snag, I would have sat this one out too. But I would have commiserated with Snag over beers in his backyard later that day.

No neuticles, Jennifer? Don't you love your goggies?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Oh, ZRM! Hai. How's your blessed day going? I have some cookies to mail you. Could you kindly send me your address. I just love sending you gifts!

Snaggie-poo, not be all academic but it's the Czech Republic now. They've been liberated and your Mom will love it there. I just returned from there and it's wonderful. Wonderful! I am headed back to the area in a few months. Maybe she'll have some tips for additional places for me to visit.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

See what I'm saying?

It's just eerie.

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH AG??

fish said...

Glad to see the new medication (Stepfordisol) is working so well for AG.

Snag said...

Maybe she's a Czechford Wife.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

good one, Snag. Overwork agrees with you.


..hey, could you have your wife or mom give me a call? Cuz I could use someone telling me that I did my best. Sniff.

Jennifer said...

Cuz I could use someone telling me that I did my best

They'd probably just flip you off... you're past the age of comforting.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

wow, THAT'S harsh.

Jennifer said...

Hey, at least you still have your testicles...

Or do you!?!?!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

well, I AM married....

almostinfamous said...

in zombie marriage they take your jewels off? i may have to reconsider my options...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Wait, I don't think I'm clear on this....

We're going to overthrow Austria? Will we change the name to Porkistan?

Can I still be Minister of Hemp?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Hey, we're making a mess at Men-D's, and it seriously needs to be Snagged.