Every Minute

We were at the park waiting for my youngest's baseball game to start.

"I need a Phiten," he said.

"If it's not air, water, food, or shelter, you don't need it," I replied. "And shelter's questionable. So is food. Those sliding shorts make you look fat."

"Shut up," he said. "I need a Phiten, though. It's made with titanium."

Lord, now what? I thought. Is he building weapons?

"Everyone on the team has one," he continued.

Things were getting clearer.

"What kind of piece of crap is it?" I asked.

"It's not crap. It gives you energy."

"Okay, Deepak Chopra. Show me one."

He walked over, talked to a teammate, and came back with a necklace.

"It's made out of cloth," I said. "How much do these things cost?"

"It's not cloth. And they only cost thirty dollars."

"Thirty dollars! Have you been smoking crack?" I must have been loud, because other parents were starting to look.

"I'll use twenty dollars of my birthday money and that way it won't cost you anything."

"You said it costs thirty dollars."

"It does."

"And you're paying twenty."

"I know. So it won't cost you anything."

My head was starting to hurt.

"I'll make you one," I told him.

"How?"

"I'll tie some string together and wrap aluminum foil around it."

"That's dumb."

"Not as dumb as paying thirty dollars for useless junk."

"If it was useless it wouldn't cost thirty dollars!" he replied triumphantly.

"What a marvelous job of parenting I've done," I said to another dad who had been listening with interest.

"You're going to let him get it, aren't you?" he asked.

"It's a waste of money," I said.

"I know," said the other father. "The gray one or the red one?"

"Probably the red one."

"That's the one I got my kid," he said.

"Sucker," I said.

"Join the club," he replied.