Bon Appétit, Volume 10 - Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Møøse

When, like me, you're fortunate enough to receive a whole moose for your birthday, you'll want to use everything but the squeal. Over the years, I've developed recipes to do just that. Try these out for your next party and you'll be the høøstess with the møøsetest.

1. Amøøse Bouche

Pluck and devein your møøse. Carefully remove and homogenize the dewlap and let stand at room temperature. Meanwhile, mix four teaspoons curry powder, a pint of molasses, and one pound asparagus-flavored gelatin. When gelatin is set, stir in dewlap. Scoop into margarita glasses and serve immediately.

Serves 13.

2. Møøsepacho

Preheat microwave to "defrost." While preheating, dice hooves into one-inch squares and add Clamato juice to cover. Mince seven rutabagas and add to hoof mixture. Gradually stir in a dash of mercury and a pinch of snuff. Heat until molten. Season liberally with Adderall and garnish with an onion.

Serves 2.

3. Møøsenpfeffer

Using a meat tenderizer or shovel, pound one haunch until tired. Thoroughly coat with a mixture of equal measures granulated marble, cardamon, and fleece. In a small sauce pan, bring to a simmer three gallons imitation artificial vanilla extract, a handful of wheat, and a cracker. Braise haunch in vanilla sauce until medium rare. Carve against the grain and serve atop broasted flan.

Serves 9.

4. French Apple Møøse

Thinly slice seventeen French apples. Using nonreactive tongs, insert apples into møøse gullet. Carefully seal top of gullet with 8-pond-test fishing line. Chill overnight, removing from refrigerator twenty minutes before serving. Using any standard gullet knife, cut into individual servings. Top with Bactine and accompany with warm cheese.

Serves 52.

5. Long Island Møøse Tea

Stir together two pints liquid møøse, one liter gin, five jiggers kirschwasser, and cough syrup to taste. Shake vigorously until thoroughly blended. Serve over peppered ice with a garnish of Chiclets and roe.

Serves 4 1/2.