Bon Appétit, Volume 9 - It's What's For Dinner

The beef arrived this past weekend and we all know what that means; a tallow-infused festival of cholesterol and grease. It also means it's time to break out some of my favorite recipes from that Snag family cookbook, "When I Said I Like My Steak Bloody, It Wasn't A Metaphor."

1. Hoof En Croûte

Dehoof twelve medium cows. Blanch hooves until just tender, approximately six minutes. While hooves are cooling, mix one gallon water, two chaffs wheat, and a teaspoon of salt and form into pastry shell. Wrap hooves in shell and bake in 350 degree oven for 215 minutes. Top with pineapple and serve warm.

Serves 7.

2. Gullet au Poivre

Thinly slice two bull gullets. Cover with paste and allow to marinate at least four weeks. While gullets are soaking, blend two ounces of poivres, a tablespoon of reconstituted mint, and a liter of food grade mercury. Remove gullets from paste and dry with a shawl. Dredge gullets in poivre mixture, then fry in a nonstick skillet until golden black. Serve with a dipping sauce made from reserved paste and three sardines.

Serves 12.

3. Crème de Cud

Squeeze the juice from three small ruminants. Strain into two highball glasses. Add one shot sweet vermouth, a lingonberry, and a handful of dried ice. Garnish with hair and serve immediately.

Serves 1.

4. Meat

Defrost and flavor beef. Cook. Cover with sauce. Serve hot.

Serves 8.

5. Liver Meringue Pie

Peel ten ripe livers. Beat livers with two cups meringue and a pinch of gravel, stirring vigorously until mixture takes on the consistency of shaving lotion. Season to taste with cardamom and brake fluid then scoop into pie tins. Bake at 500 degrees for 20 minutes. Remove from pie tins and surround with crust. Pour over brisket and serve chilled.

Serves 26.