Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Bon Appétit, Volume 9 - It's What's For Dinner

The beef arrived this past weekend and we all know what that means; a tallow-infused festival of cholesterol and grease. It also means it's time to break out some of my favorite recipes from that Snag family cookbook, "When I Said I Like My Steak Bloody, It Wasn't A Metaphor."

1. Hoof En Croûte

Dehoof twelve medium cows. Blanch hooves until just tender, approximately six minutes. While hooves are cooling, mix one gallon water, two chaffs wheat, and a teaspoon of salt and form into pastry shell. Wrap hooves in shell and bake in 350 degree oven for 215 minutes. Top with pineapple and serve warm.

Serves 7.


2. Gullet au Poivre

Thinly slice two bull gullets. Cover with paste and allow to marinate at least four weeks. While gullets are soaking, blend two ounces of poivres, a tablespoon of reconstituted mint, and a liter of food grade mercury. Remove gullets from paste and dry with a shawl. Dredge gullets in poivre mixture, then fry in a nonstick skillet until golden black. Serve with a dipping sauce made from reserved paste and three sardines.

Serves 12.

3. Crème de Cud

Squeeze the juice from three small ruminants. Strain into two highball glasses. Add one shot sweet vermouth, a lingonberry, and a handful of dried ice. Garnish with hair and serve immediately.

Serves 1.

4. Meat

Defrost and flavor beef. Cook. Cover with sauce. Serve hot.

Serves 8.

5. Liver Meringue Pie

Peel ten ripe livers. Beat livers with two cups meringue and a pinch of gravel, stirring vigorously until mixture takes on the consistency of shaving lotion. Season to taste with cardamom and brake fluid then scoop into pie tins. Bake at 500 degrees for 20 minutes. Remove from pie tins and surround with crust. Pour over brisket and serve chilled.

Serves 26.

11 comments:

Jennifer said...

I spit out my coffee at Creme de Cud...

I wonder if you can buy small ruminants in a 3-pack or if you must buy them individually?

billy pilgrim said...

OK, I feel like you've been collaborating with Righteous Bubba....

But I don't see any 'Spiritually marinating" or 'angrily abandoning' in those recipes. Also a distinct lack of bourbon. Are you sure you wrote them down correctly?

Mendacious D said...

I second BP's concerns, although it's good to see the cookbook dusted off again.

Mandos said...

The Gullet tastes even better if you add just a soupçon of ethylene glycol and half a gallon of ethidium bromide.

fish said...

Mandos' formal training came at the hands of a German master winemaker.

almostinfamous said...

#4 sounds awfully familiar.

freakin college roommates and crazy college memories :(

Kathleen said...

I smell a Top Chef episode!

Snag said...

Righteous Bubba is the wind beneath my wings.

Brando said...

This is more like Hell's Kitchen than that wimpy Gordon Ramsay stuff.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I hope you're putting together your Passover special for the middle of this month.

billy pilgrim said...

Fasting? No beer or whiskey? I don't know about that....

The four cups of wine, though, that I can totally get behind. I've got this big-ass cup....