It's All About Family

Holiday season aside, this past weekend was quite nice. I'm off work until next year, the Lovely Bride's got a bit of a break, and best of all, I had excuses to get out of the house and away from the children.

Saturday in particular was a lovely day. Electronics shopping in the morning, off to the meat market at lunchtime, then aimlessly wandering around a couple of big box retailers in the afternoon, accompanied only by my friend E., the father of my youngest's best friend.

By midafternoon we were hungry from a long day of avoiding our families and stopped in at a restaurant for nourishment. So there E. and I sat enjoying our snack when to our horror we heard, "Hi dad, hi dad, what are you doing here, what are you doing here?"

It was our two youngest boys, chattering in unison. My immediate suspicion was that my Lovely Bride had gotten tired of dealing with them and had somehow tracked us down. Around the corner came another one of their friends with his parents, however. It turned out our wives had dumped the kids on them and they'd decided to bring all the boys out for ice cream.

"Hey A., sit down," I said to the dad. "Make the kids go away first, though."

A. handed them some money and told them to go hang out in the restaurant's playroom for a while. He grinned madly at us.

"What are you so happy about?" asked E. "You get lucky this afternoon?"

A.'s wife rolled her eyes.

"Even better," said A. "I bought a new TV today."

We shook his hand and congratulated him.

"You were right," he said, turning to me. "I already like it more than my family."

Having recently purchased my own new television, I knew what I meant and told him so. "TVs are beautiful and they never talk back."

He described his new television's specifications to us in erotic detail until our kids finally reappeared. Apparently they'd finished mugging the younger children in the playroom and had decided we missed them, notwithstanding years of experience to the contrary.

"What are you guys talking about?" demanded my kid.

"Our TVs. Tell your friends how much I love my new television."

"My dad loves his television more than his kids," he said.

"That's right," I said, beaming proudly at how quickly he'd learned. "Next summer I'm going to take the TV on vacation."

"Where are we going?" asked my son.

"You're not going anywhere. TV and I are going to Chicago to see a Cubs game."

"That's stupid," he said.

"TV doesn't think so and neither do I," I said.

"I'm telling mom," he said.

"What else is new," I replied.

A.'s son looked at his dad. "You don't love our TV more than me, do you?"

A. paused for a moment until he saw his wife's expression. "Of course not. Whatever." None too convincingly.

"I'm glad we don't have a new TV," said E.'s son.

E. said, "I'm not. What the hell, I love their TVs more than I love you."

The boys put their heads down and trudged back to the playroom.

E. smiled. "Wait until they find out I bought your TV a Christmas present."

Which he personally delivered yesterday morning.