Wide World Of Moose

Friend of Befouled Mendacious D inquires why the proliferation of cable has not led to a moose-related sports channel. While the recapture of Congress by the Democrats has prompted calls for the passage of a "Title IX for Moose," the MSM continues to ignore too many of the contributions that moose make on our playing fields. Unfortunately, our gentle forest friends are far too retiring to shine the spotlight on themselves. Let's do it for them:

Soccer

Originally brought to North America by immigrant yak, soccer remains a favorite of moose throughout Canada. Nevertheless, the inability to purchase affordable shin guards remains a serious obstacle for young moose and several of the sport's superstars have set up a charitable foundation to address the problem. Hooligans have been known to set peat fields on fire after a home team victory but FIFA's recent two-year suspension of the Vancouver Fighting Ungulates may turn this around.

Baseball

Every little calf grows up wanting to play third base for the Yankees and the proliferation of competitive t-ball leagues has only spread the reach of that dream. Sadly, institutional discrimination kept moose out of professional baseball until 1985, when "Antlers" Mulligan finally broke the species barrier. Just twelve years later, the Seattle Mariners became the first team to field an all-moose line-up.

Hot Dog Eating

While it has not yet received the recognition as an Olympic Sport sought by its fans, hot dog eating competitions are a crowd favorite throughout exclusive resort areas of the Mountain West. With their fiercely carnivorous dispositions, moose are ideally suited for the rigors of binge consumption. The current champion, "Tiny" Lindstrom, recently shattered existing records by consuming 483 hot dogs in just under 57 seconds.


Moose continue to make inroads in a wide range of other athletic endeavors ranging from bass tournaments to motocross. So, turn on the tube, crack open a cold one, and marvel at their talents. You'll be glad you did.