Sunday, June 17, 2007

Love Is A Many Splendored Thing

One of the things people don't fully realize until they're married is the rich tradition that's grown up around anniversary presents. Sure, you may know the 10th is for diamonds, the 25th for silver, the 50th for gold, but how about those other years? Never fear, Snag is here! Use this handy table to buy the perfect gift for your spouse/significant other/pet.

Eighth

Make this special day memorable with the gift of meat! Pick a traditional pork roast or go with a cutting edge presentation of free-range elk snout - either way, any woman's heart melts when she hears the unmistakable crackle of butcher wrap.

Sixteenth

In earlier times, this was the day that husbands and wives exchanged gout. Advances in medicine have made this increasingly expensive, and it is now commonplace to see couples carefully wrapping prosthetics in anticipation of this exciting anniversary. Whether you're a "leggy lady" or a "handy man," you're sure to find something you love in that oblong box!

Twenty-third

Who doesn't love a grub? Frisky and affectionate, these cuddly "eels of the garden" are a perfect way to commemorate the memories that the two of you have collected. Get a pair and start your own breeding operation!

Thirty-second

As time goes on, many couples prefer to exchange practical gifts. That's why pine tar makes the ideal present! Delicious and filling, it is available at most department stores or can be special-ordered from a variety of online vendors.

Fifty-fourth

It's a lucky lady who finds herself the proud owner of an anniversary harpoon. There's something delightfully naughty about brandishing one of these at the country club while the other wives shiver with envy. Talk about your outrageous slings and arrows!

Seventy-ninth

Be the first on your block to have an abacus made of cheese! Once reserved for Paris Hilton and Middle Eastern royalty, these are now available at many upscale dairies. They're a whole new way to count calories.


There are other options of course. Some women adore a good smelt. Some guys go ga-ga over dropcloths. Part of the fun of anniversaries is knowing your partner's preferences. If you're not sure, though, this list is a great way to be safe instead of sorry.

8 comments:

Pinko Punko said...

BEHOLD THE CHEESE ABACUS!

Jennifer said...

The Cheese Abacus... my fave as well.

Mendacious D said...

Gout: for the man who has everything.

And is that an explosive harpoon? 'Cause that would be sweet.

The cheese abacus could compute its own level of Frito. It's recursive, just like anniversaries!

Snag said...

That's one Gouda counting machine.

God help me, I couldn't resist.

Mandos said...

Does it come with a matching fondant palimpsest?

Kathleen said...

this was a very anti-conservative post. Everyone knows they never reach that high in their anniversaries. Your hatred of Bush has infected you!!!

billy pilgrim said...

personally, I'm holding out for the one hundred and forty-second anniversary, for which teh traditional gift is a soup-mounted laser.

Short work of the cheese abacus, I would say.

Brando said...

It's not easy to pull off a good gout gag. Well done, Snag, well done.