Sunday, May 6, 2007

Growing Up Moose

Regular readers have already seen this blog's glossy coverage of the moose demographic. That's an important part of the story and not to be taken lightly. Friend of Befouled Jennifer, though, is concerned that the seamier side of moose life is not properly understood. Point well taken. Let's take a visit to that other side of the tracks.
















Doris

Doris, shown here awaiting trial on charges of cranberry possession, has spent much of her short life behind bars. Abandoned by her father at an early age, she dropped out of school shortly after becoming pregnant with the first in a series of illegitimate calves. Despite the best efforts of a parade of social workers, Doris has never held a job for more than three weeks and shows little interest in settling down.





















Stanley

If you look closely enough, you can see the three teardrops tattooed next to Stanley's right eye. Each one represents a kill, the result of a vicious turf war between Stanley's crew and a gang of knife-wielding whitetail. Although he was born into a comfortable middle-class family, an early taste for malt liquor started his long, downhill slide. When not brawling with his mates, Stanley can typically be found running numbers or shaking down neighborhood widows for loose change. Local law enforcement officials don't expect Stanley to see his next birthday.















Jane

The inspiration for Jane's Addiction's song "Jane Says," this lost soul has been working the streets of British Columbia as long as she can remember. Her dead eyes belie the smile she uses to entice visiting conventioneers. Numerous convictions for petty theft, loitering, and solicitation charges have left her virtually unemployable in the straight world.


Desperate to avoid confronting these hard issues, society too often tries to sweep them under the rug. Until we grab them by the antlers, however, we cannot hope to make progress. These stories are brutal, but they are also reality.

13 comments:

fish said...

In college, me and 4 other guys had a 2 hour conversation on what sound a moose actually made (It could be that drugs were involved). We finally decided on bloop. I am pretty sure this is correct.

Jennifer said...

Thank you Dr. Snag, for showing the underbelly side of what it means to grow up moose. Moose... the oft misunderstood ungulate. It breaks my heart to think of the trials and tribulations that could be avoided if only we understood.

Chuckles said...

You may have heard about the new trend in crime in the District: throwing rocks at pedestrians. Several gangs of middle schoolers and at least 3 moose are currently under investigation.

Kathleen said...

this is what comes of taking prayer out of school!

billy pilgrim said...

You didn't mentionhow they taste.

Snag said...

Or, Fish, as our northern (and delicious) friends would have it, "Bloop, eh?"

And it would appear that Jennifer and Chuckles reflect the societal/personal responsibility divide of this very difficult problem. I'm glad to host this type of serious roundtable and appreciate their participation.

Chuckles said...

Or how they smell?

WITH THEIR NOSES!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

They actually make a bark, Fish. It's like a cross between a sea otter bark and a cow moo.

At least that's what AG heard one do in Alaska when a park ranger pissed it off.

Jennifer said...

"They actually make a bark, Fish. It's like a cross between a sea otter bark and a cow moo."

FYI- my house growls...

Elmo said...

I don't have a position on moose's...

Righteous Bubba said...

I just love these lists of shit.

I am anxiously awaiting a list of shit.

Chuckles said...

That happens whenever I do a music list, or so I'm told.

Snag said...

Ah, Chuckles, the question is one of intent.